LAO AUNTIES OWN LAO UNCLES(:

2012-01-27T23:55:00.001-08:00

I think people with differing opinions find it hard to get along. The best thing is a shut up in this scenario :)
Just finished the publications essay. Isn't very good. Had to squeeze everything into one page and at the same time shy me didn't wanna reveal anything hahahaha so yep.

Mousey

2012-01-27T06:22:00.001-08:00

I'm devastated );
Omg that piece of news is just so sad. What is the world turning into seriously. I feel so pissed off -.- because we were all part of it? Aiya shit, we are all to be blamed..

Mouse

2012-01-25T04:57:00.001-08:00

Oh my today first day actually touching the water! It was great great great :) I can't wait to go back and play. Guess now that im older, I'm really calmer in the way I handle things. In the past I'd be damn scared when the wind was too strong or the waves too choppy. But now I know that all that can ever happen is to capsize.
Sometimes I might feel pressured that I'm supposed to be better than the rest cause of my background, but think that's just make thins really stressful: doesn't matter if I'm not talented at that sport or anything.. Just gonna have fun :)

Yep and the co-author of this blog left for Australia on Sunday. Idk, not much emotions haha. Thought I'd be dramatic or whatever, but in the end I guess I've come to terms with it? Think our friendship shan't change so there's nothing to be sad about ;) ting hope that you are happy there! Please be happy if not you should just fly back and come mug like mad with us hehe ^^

Mouse

Happy Chinese new year!!

2012-01-22T18:52:00.001-08:00

新年快乐！
Hope that everyone maintains good relationship with their family members and be in good health this year ^^

Haha something epic happened last night/morning. I was brushing my teeth and then my dad sneaked into my room to put the ang pows under my pillow, like always. Then I came in. And it was awkward hahahahaha! Then he embarrassed-ly just gave it to me loooool. ;)

Aiyo ting Chun yen. I'm v sad now ): can you please post on the blog more often, if you even at all. I think you haven't posted in more than half a year. But we lasted for 4 years can you believe it haha ^^ don't miss me too much when you're there! And don't find another bestie cause im still here hahaha :)

Mouseyy

2012-01-21T17:16:00.001-08:00

One more day

Nah kids, don't be worried :)
Think everyone seems stressed out after only one week. But if everyone is a millionaire, then millionaires would still be poor yeah?
So if everyone is stressed, then maybe we all aren't that screwed up haha!
Yep Jiayou ppl ^^

mouse

2012-01-21T06:59:00.001-08:00

Sleepy, surreal.
Listening to one song over and over again now. Feels great. After all the hustle bustle of today, just went back to my room to listen to that song. It was loud at first cause I couldn't hear after a long day outside talking loudly and stuff. But as my mind grew quiet, the music became loud. And so, slowly, the speaker got adjusted to the softest volume. Feels fantastic.

Sometimes I wish I had a person to thank for everything. It gives me more reason to be grateful. Maybe that's why I like writing letters to teachers so much, because I feel that I couldn't have done anything by myself. But for happiness, who do I thank?

Mouse

2012-01-21T06:51:00.001-08:00

Had loads of fun today :)
Had reunion dinner at night hmm.
But didn't feel like talking much? Was actually anticipating seeing cuz after 6 months haha. But he changed quite a lot in Korea. He became less gl and was quieter.. Then I didn't feel like talking also. Guess people change when they grow older. Y'know maybe talking too much is for the immature.
But the other cousins opened up quite a lot today so it was great :)

Think I didn't start this year as well as the last. Don't seem to have the determination to study as hard as I did last year. Gonna make use of this Chinese new year to get my resolutions straight and set the boundaries for myself.

I wish I had sth I was good at.

Mouse

2012-01-20T18:40:00.001-08:00

2 more days :0

I wanna join the business thing..
It reminds me of YES. Memories memories. But idk if it will be the same without the same ppl.

And i'm disappointed about something. I hope having fame does not change you, because ppl who change because of that usually suck. That presumption is a fallacy but wth no mood for gp now!

Moise

2012-01-20T03:43:00.001-08:00

Interesting talk today :)
Haha not called cheemies for nothing.
Learnt so much today! Talking to people face to face is a thousand times better than msn.

Guess more often than not we say things to justify our stand. Fallacy fallacy. Hmm but just think tolerance is quite important in friendships. And sandy is right. Sometimes it doesn't really matter that you 'chi kui' a little.

But anyways that's the thing I love about my friends. Every time I see them practicing their instruments or debating about some cool topic I'll feel so blessed to have such wise and intelligent people as friends. Learning sth new everyday :)

Mouse

2012-01-19T06:19:00.001-08:00

Omg this is so sad. I can't imagine what will happen on Monday.

Mouse

2012-01-18T05:05:00.001-08:00

I can't quieten my mind ):
I feel really really tired and idk why.
Hope it's the physical kind of tired and not mental.
I'm going mad ): subtle depression haha. I wish we could just stay in school 24 hours to study and not go back home.
I love home, I feel the most relaxed there and such
But after a day of smiling and laughing, the exhaustion comes when I'm alone at home.
Terrible terrible.
Dying dying. First time I'm feeling stressed and idk for what. Expectations? Seriously first week only and I can't concentrate. I should just screw or sth. like take one week off doing nothing at all and then recharge. But wtf am I recharging for when i barely started -.-

Mouse

2012-01-16T04:38:00.001-08:00

Haha the econs teacher is my fave teacher now :)
I think she really spoke what I felt, and she wasn't faking it too..
She said that she feels sad when someone leaves the school for someplace else, someplace 'better' in a sense. And she was like, if you are good you should stay to help the school out. Like she stayed even though so many others left because she wanted to help this school grow. It's really very touching ;) I am glad that I have a teacher like this.
It's easy to understand logical stuff like this but very difficult to practice it. If I had gotten a 4.2 gpa and could've gotten anywhere I wanted, would I have stayed?

Anyways, today was a great day! As always :) these few days the transition hasn't been too comfortable, but they never are. Still, it's been great. Talked quite a lot with Yik! :) but nothing too deep haha. Still good catching up time :) this week will be crazy mad but worth it if it works out.

Homework frenzy!! Need I say more?

Mousey

2012-01-14T16:38:00.001-08:00

Hmm up all nice and early trying to do my chem :) but half an hour has passed and I still dont know what I'm doing.
Thanks for the post by the way!
I guess we all need confidence to succeed. I think we'll have to get that kind of confidence mainly by thinking that we have the best idea or that it doesn't matter how people look at you. That's difficult sometimes.
And overconfidence, too. How can we spot the line? It's hard isn't it, because no one knows exactly how to find it. What is deemed as confidence for one may be arrogance for the other. But there are some people whom we all agree with admiration that they are humble and yet confident.

And that's the best we can get

Mouse

2012-01-13T23:14:00.001-08:00

Just saw this picture on siqi's blog that has a quote:
not all those who wander are lost.
I think it's really meaningful. It brought a lot of peace to me I guess. Everytime I wander, I wonder if it's because I didn't know what I was doing, or where I was going.
Going with the flow and just being yourself is the best remedy to all adversity.
Homa's been real real great I must say! All our cheers and the spirit were like woooosh man. I really respect the house captains and ogls a lot. It's crazy how they can get every single person to participate with such enthusiasm for the games. That's sth the jh student council couldn't do no offense haha. Man, I can't wait to see if our batch can match up to the seniors. Esp homa. but whoever wins, it doesn't really matter I guess. The quote fits this scenario perfectly. Though idk why :) feeling caaaalm now. Slowly slowly doing my thing.
Not all those who wander are lost.
After the whole thing yesterday, had a quiet time with myself by the pond which I used to go to. It was great man, though monitoring my breathing lasted thirty seconds before my mind wandered. But not all those who wander are lost! :D
I love this dual personality. Extro and intro together really makes every moment great.

Mouse

2012-01-13T23:00:00.001-08:00

Yknow if an ant carries some food on his back, won't he smell of that food for the rest of his life?
And when the other ants get hungry, will they attack him?
Hmm..

Mouseyisinspiredbythemanyantsinherroom

2012-01-12T02:38:00.001-08:00

Omuuuuuu the katagomai tee is the best tee ever! It's so darned beautiful :))
Hope that I can daw liddat one day.

Mousey

2012-01-11T04:15:00.001-08:00

"just try your best"
I hope that's as easy as it sounds.
I guess it's true that adults are wiser in these aspects. It's extremely accurate that we shouldn't worry about things we have no control over, like succeeding. But we can always put all the effort into things so that there aren't any regrets.
This year is gonna require a lot of patience and confidence. And determination of course. But it'll be okay.
I feel like drawing now. ._. While I still can this week I'll go draw and ignore the application form haha

Mousey

2012-01-11T01:47:00.001-08:00

Yep yep guess I take time to warm up to people too. Yknow sometimes I wish I could know how to say certain stuff which suit the situation perfectly. But now I think being quiet is the way to go. Also feeling a little uncomfortable cause I don't like stressful changes haha. But hope the other peeps won't get too noisy or I think our class will be very divided. Think most people thrive most when we settle slowly into the class.. Seems here that this class is really wild so. Hmm.

Haha I agree with yuxin's post. Hope we will still find time for each other after all these :)
Numb feet haha. Ticklish.

Mousey

2012-01-10T05:37:00.001-08:00

Ahhhhh this feeling sucks.

Mouse

2012-01-09T06:10:00.001-08:00

Today was really the craziest day I had in a long long time.
I am really so glad that I tried. Y'know I was still writing in my diary yesterday about how I'd dread today's results cause I did try hard. I guess the result was overwhelming until I felt like puking for half an hour.
I don't know if I deserve to say this, but those people who are sad or discouraged by their results, it's not the end you know? We should all soldier on.
I don't know if it's really luck or whatnot, as I have been believing, but thank goodness my mother is back. She had been the one to push me to try even though I thought it wasnt possible, and now it is she who has led me to believe that working towards your dreams isn't some fairy tale.
I can't describe it. Maybe my religion should be mama-ism or sth :)

Yes so today's class thing was alright I guess. One never feels comfortable in a new class but they seem nice enough. Shall not judge people before knowing them. So so glad Lengyuk Meiyou Nicholas and Sizheng are in my class! Fun times we are going to have with the cheemies too!
Yep very tired now. Just had the best time with ting Siqi Gerome and Yinghui hahaha. Laughed until all my anxieties today went away. I love them to bits and pieces! I feel so relaxed with these people by my side. Tmr will be a great day with the knowledge that they are by my side.

Mousey

2012-01-08T01:49:00.001-08:00

我们长大了
Just read yik's blog.. My how we've grown.
I hope it's for the better.
Was talking to sand about maturing.
It isn't always for the better, learning about this world. Sometimes it can be scary, real scary. But other times you look back at how you felt at that point of time and not regret having gone through any of it, because without yesterday, there wouldn't even be a today. The best day keeps changing, and that's because life keeps throwing yummy apple pies at us. Isn't it wondrous, looking up at the sky and thanking your lucky stars (no pun intended) about everything great that has happened to you?
I think growing up isn't all bad stuff, though I must say they make you grow old.
No, growing up comprises more happy things than sad. Isn't it always true that if you don't experience sadness you wont know what happiness is?
Growing up really means you learn that not everybody in this world is kind, but there are so many many more people who are willing to listen to you, and to share your emotions with you. Growing up is being able to see the dark side of life, but paying more attention to the bright ones instead.

Hope that everyone grows up this year :) and be brave dear sand!

Mousey

2012-01-06T08:32:00.001-08:00

Silver sparks well done, I'm totally proud of you today! We can now get our pullovers :)
Hahaha kidding that wasn't the point!
But seriously, I was like super touched by all of you. You can see how much me and Yik trembled when we took the video haha! Anyways, I now see the limit of language. I can't explain my emotions now and only pray you understand it.
Will always love y'all.

Mousey

2012-01-05T19:15:00.001-08:00

yarp, have been composing this post in my head for quite a few days.

it's still mumble jumble, but as long as the feelings are conveyed all's fine (:

have finally gotten around thinking about the kind of person i would like to be starting from this year. i guess for studies and life aspirations we all have pretty much the same kind of resolution.

work hard, be determined to the end, follow your dreams, yadda yadda.

so i decided to work on who i am instead (or rather, who i will be)

not actually very sure if it's a good idea, because you shouldn't try to change yourself too much yeah? but better would be good (:

okay so trying to be systematic, i have to first start with the people i dislike most.

i have been thinking about this for one month, weighing all the behaviours that i can think of.

and i have decided on one:

people who look down on others.

i really don't like it when people do that.

it's one thing to be irritating, but another to think that anyone is inferior.

sadly, i guess we are all subjected to this kind of prejudices.

i do that sometimes. and it sucks.

yeah and i'm suddenly reminded of sth that hurt my little beetle feelings ytd. ):

we were looking at the tns 105th anniversary year book, and i saw my 6I teacher inside one of the 6I photos. and my bro said that she was gna be teaching J next year cause apparently last yr 6I did better than J, which i suppose was presumably impossible.

and i asked why they had to "give" mrs tan (the pro teacher) to 6J, cause now they are depriving 6I a chance to shine too, when they are obviously not inferior to J as the results have shown.

then my dad gave me the wth look and said: why don't you go save the world

idk, the tone or sth made me quite taken aback. it was as though he was disgusted.

and it didn't help that i just watched a documentary on human faces and emotions.

i was quite hurt, esp after he said that i always don't get the reality of things.

but it's people who just go with the flow and not try to change things that screw this world up.

okay i'm naive, but i prefer it that way.

i get that my parents get very frustrated talking to me sometimes.

so i try to just say childish and stupid stuff in front of them when i talk

it's quite sad that they don't understand where i'm coming from sometimes.

i wish i could be normal and just say ya i also think the best teacher should teach the best class so that they can become elites and rule the world and earn lots of money next time and look down on other people.

of course i'm over generalizing and implicating the innocent humble ones in my fit of anger/sadness wtv.

i suppose that's why ppl wanna be buddhists, so they can disconnect themselves with the emotions of this world which cause unnecessary harm.

yes so where was i?

yeah so i lost the mood to talk about new year resolutions.

okay so for this year's resolution:

1. i will be normal

2. i will just agree with what people say

3. i won't say anything that might cause brain damage to others

4. i won't talk about sensitive subjects to sensitive people esp about religion and money

5. i will agree that grades are the most impt things in the world and with that i can get tons of money and live happily in a world of reality

why do i get the feeling that this year's resolution will be harder than getting 8As for A levels.

yeah of course the above are fake. who the hell wants to be a boring old normal chap

seriously.

okay i'm delirious.

when i feel like it i'll post the new year resolution up.

or should i not have any this year? (:

mouse

2012-01-05T19:05:00.001-08:00

hahaha just noticed how the pw to this blog is damn pervo!

._.

today is the day, the big beeeeg day!

imma very excited, zi highing in my own room like an idiot.

pretty disappointed that the peeps in our class weren't too enthu.

sandy is right, maybe it's our fault for being too clique-ish.

i hate the word clique. siqi influenced me haha.

but nvm, wish actually came true.

it was a win-win situation for me either way.

i prefer that there are just a few of us.. and it'll be great for the sparkles if more ppl came

so now we'll be settling for cozy wozey (:

hope they are diligently pract-ing now, or practicing, if i have to waste more saliva tsk yik.

mouseyzxcz!

2012-01-04T07:49:00.001-08:00

I just had to post this, cause im afraid tmr the emotions will be gone. I'm so touched today. Really so so glad I went for the BBQ. The last BBQ with 4G. I'm so overwhelmed with emotions right now, much more than on the last day of school. Y'know, this is it. It's really the last day with them. The next time I see them we won't be as close anymore, and it's just so sad.
Today I really felt happy. Just plain happy. Without smiley faces or whatnot. This happiness is the inside-kind-of emotion. Right from the heart. I really don't know how to explain it. I think these bunch of people whom I call my friends are true friends. It's just so touching to feel that way. I just repeated myself ten million times with limited vocabulary. I'm just glad. So glad. Don't want this memory to fade, not ever.

Mousey

2012-01-03T00:02:00.001-08:00

haven't done a about-my-day account in a long time.

because:

1. emotions don't mean a thing unless you are the one feeling them

2. i don't even remember much about my days anyways (:

yep but today was interesting because i am reminded of the stuffs that happened over the last 4 years. pretty amazing choices, and none of which i regret

the damn curtain is in my face now. growl.

yes so today i woke up with my body aching like shit cause i changed my pillow

the pillow stinks big time! ): so i ended up putting lotsa stuff on top of it to sleep on haha

yeah so i had a best walk of my life to the market, which took 30 minutes

and am i still proud to say i didn't remember a thing from my journey? haha where did all my time go and what had i been thinking along the way? (frowns.) it's such a waste of my time

yes so while walking there, i saw a lady talking on the phone

and she was giving advice to someone about appealing for a triple science class?

(so this is where i digress)

and i am catapulted back to the end of year 2, where i had to make the same decision.

if i had followed my first choice, i'd be in 4L

and if i had not appealed, i'd be in 4B

and boy am i glad things turned out the way i didn't expect

idk, everytime you feel that you've made a wrong decision, it turns out right

and when you thought you made a best decision, it usually ends up wrong

more of psychology with myself i guess

hope this year will be a smash.

i don't really dare to say that this year will be great, cause if i do i'll just curse myself- psychologically or not..

ya this about-my-day post has been pointless

these few days has been very memorable.

was getting kind of worried i had nothing to think about

now i have too much, which is fun ;)

watched documentaries and read books to help me find my purpose (in life, oh so dramatic)

wasn't too successful, cause i'm more confused than ever (but that's the fun part)

when will i ever become a wise old lady?

it's quite symbolic, really, this blog.

i do hope that when i become a lao aunty, i will have matured a lot.

and i did, too, those 4 years.

from those colourful days of laming around being mice and snails, i think we succeeded.

in a good way of course ;) we are still fun, mouse and snail, but we aren't lame anymore!

though i can't guarantee anything for snail cause she's still the same (:

gonna do my ny resolutions sooon.

mousee

2012-01-02T05:53:00.001-08:00

Muddling muddling thoughts. I feel like I'm getting meaner everyday. Sometimes I just feel like being an ass on purpose.
Guess we can't be perfect. I will strive for 90% good too :) but i I think mean thoughts I don't know if it'll still count.. Yeah, conscience is flawed. I still hunk revenge is sweet. What kind of conscience is that? Tsks kaining.

Mousey

2012-01-02T05:37:00.001-08:00

Today's pract and movie was great! Bonded a lot I think. This bunch of friends are really really getting more awesome by the second :) love them to bits!! Used to think that big groups were quite a hassle but it's fun in a way..
And omg I feel so lousy! ): I can't even remember my friends' birthdays. Feel so bad now. I guess I've always been like that. I don't notice anything Around me or remember much from the day.. I just remember the emotions I felt.. Which is seriously not enough. Gotta change!

Mousey

2011-12-31T08:31:00.001-08:00

Happy new year folks!!
2012 will be a blast!
Hope that everyone gets what they have been looking for, and wish that those who need it will find peace with themselves, and those who are sad will find joy, and those that are worried will find courage. Hope that we have determination to press on this year! Stay thankful and blissful!

2011-12-29T16:51:00.001-08:00

My gosh hunger games is going to be released in cinemas next year!
:) it was one of the craziest best book series ever, though the best was still the first book..
Go watch it man. Idk how it'll turn out, but it's prolly an English version of incite mill only cooler.
Woah did so many things these few days. Went out with ting and Siqi. Released our Christmas cum new year wishes as lotuses and cranes and rectangles (ahem) into the sea and caused environmental pollution lol :xx
Went to 112 too! But it's so tiny! If you're poor there's no point gng there cause it's not affordable lol.
And had bellanca class reunion! So glad to have got back together with them. Pity we didnt talk much and didn't stay long. But yepp glad that Joylynn and germ are in sailing with me!
And had a no agenda day with ting and siqi lol! It turned out okay even though havin no agenda is quite boring hahahaha. It's great how we can not have anything to do and not feel awkward. :)))
And then cca chalet ytd! I wasn't too excited at first.. Cause having so few people in my level meant a lot of socializing outside my comfort zone. But it turned out very good. The seniors and alumnus were all spamming details about senior high life, tuition Advice.. And teachers lol! They got pretty excited haha. Yep yep it was great though back home I had to erase my memories of what they told me cause it'll only make me worried hahaha.

Yes and silversparks got into finals! I'm so glad ;) y'all win this thing alright!

Mouseyy

2011-12-25T01:37:00.000-08:00

i hope that one day i can compose my own song and write my own lyrics

imagine that! turning poems into something singable.

that'd be the best thing ever.

i have so many things i wna learn.

so little time growll.

after my A's i'm gna learn pottery and chinese/ oil painting.

so looong, 2 more years and i can't wait.

next year's sailing and publications.. gonna be hits!

will try my very best for both. jiayou kaining xD

tmr gna release paper boats into the sea and cause environmental pollution with ting and lee

hahahaha. yeah k excited going downstairs for a nice walk.

mouseyy

2011-12-24T04:50:00.000-08:00

merry soon to be christmas folks!

christmas is so lovely andd you should watch "becoming santa"

it's so touching {:

i just love it how everybody becomes a different person on christmas.

it's one of the only times people smile and make an effort to be graceful (:

just aww.

idk, it's time for me to start giving back.

do we get wishes during christmas too?

haha but nowadays i have no more wishes.

either i made too many, or i'm too contented.

hmm that word reminds me of someone fat.

nope, no link.

haha and i just found more reasons to love my subj combi.

all the people i know that are taking that combi are just great

they're wonderful. i hope that every single one of them gets into the same class as me :D

yik you should be proud of your decision too.

and i finished the moose guys, that'd be my gift exchange too XDD

mousey

2011-12-23T07:46:00.001-08:00

Chris Rene didn't win ):

But he's gonna sell the most albums ;)

Taiwan :)

2011-12-18T18:01:00.001-08:00

Really got to set my tian deng here!
It's really unimaginable how it feels to watch your dreams go up up into the sky.. Though it's kinda sad I couldn't really write my deeper thoughts cause my parents wanted to read everything haha.. But the best moment came when my parents became romantic again aww. They wrote such weird and embarrassing stuff for each other!! But I like ;)
It's so cozy here.. Snuggling in the bed after yummy breakfast.. I wanna go to Taiwan with my friends! Going to memorial museums is so not fun.. Wanna go to the astronomical museum gosh! Am I speaking coherently.. I don't even know if this will get published haha.. Oh!! Tell you ;) went to Ying ge. Best place in the world. Bought more stones haha. And lots of pottery and ceramic stuff there! My mum is gonna retire there if she doesn't have enough money for Japan haha!
Yep.. 2 more days and I'm going back. And I haven't gotten souvenirs for y'all! Screwed ttm. There's nothing to buy here.. Cept hoodies :)

Got a gay cat hoodie hahahaha
Kbye, mousey

2011-12-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

ugh spammage.

just got the IS IT ME IS IT ME?? feeling.

oi stupid i'm so not what you think okay.

that's too demeaning haha. but yep i didn't mind that much cause the posts above made up for it.

actl i wrote a letter one day before chinese o's.

but then as usual.. sigh.

yep so, realised i haven't dedicated a post to you before, of things good hahaha.

you have to know that you changed me a lot.

with your help, i flew, and i was kept grounded at the same time.

when i felt like everything was going wrong, you helped me believe that it'll be alright

and when i found a belief that i thought was something i'd like to stick with for the rest of my life, you helped me find the loopholes in it. sorry, though.. at first i really hated hearing those stuff cause it seemed so weird. or maybe i just didn't wna admit that it was a stupid belief haha.

but i'll really have to thank you. cause i'm not a very balanced person in life, y'know? i'm very very extreme. so when i was busy diving in and hard core-ing, the suaning and stuff really helped to curb too much of those unnecessary effort.

haha i sound like an idiot. which sane person would thank another for intervening with her studying? -.-

yep, so like even though we've really changed these four years, i think that day was really quite well summed up. but i wouldn't like that to be the very end, because friendships are meant to be kept yeah? and though we say we aren't that close anymore, i can still feel comfort in the silences we have, which is rare. maybe we're not so far apart after all.

i'd like to learn from you, the way you make people feel comfortable around you, and the way you say things which will piss someone off but they'd still accept your reasoning in the end..

i'll stop the compliments now lest you become too egocentric.

hahah.

mousee

2011-12-11T18:01:00.000-08:00

i've been feeling irritable these days..

it isn't a good feeling.

in the past, when my parents nagged and criticised i didn't really take it to heart

i'd just let them have their way and nod and smile and stuff

guess i finally broke.

i can't be perfect. nobody can be perfect.

to smile all the way, even at home.. it's hard, it really is.

but i don't feel good when i show them that.

i'm bursting.

my tummy's not strong enough anymore to swallow up injustice and dissolve them as though they'd never been there.

now there's a reflux and i'll pour it back out.

no, it's not that i mind doing all these, trying not to hurt anybody

but sometimes i get so tired that i sit back and wonder why people don't do the same

i suppose we all try.. but at some point we just give up

i don't want to be a person like that

but how not to be, when i'm the only one trying?

mouse

2011-12-11T17:55:00.000-08:00

fear, just simple minded fear. that's such an easy emotion to feel.

because, once you believe that you are fallible, things get much easier.

you don't feel as though you have to do everything right, or that you are not allowed to feel upset..

it's just, sometimes.. we all want to be infallible.

we all want to think that we can achieve it all: our dreams, live up to the expectations of us, and not let anyone down.

but it's harder than we think, even though we might never admit it.

to be fallible, and admit that with grace, that's what we all should be aiming for.

to be fulfilled is not to put up a strong front and pretend everything is okay when it isn't

that's a little hard, isn't it? who doesn't want to be somebody they are not?

mouse

2011-12-08T23:49:00.001-08:00

ohh siqi please believe in number 25 ):

i had a scary dream last night..

thing is, it wasn't some monster-chasing-me down-the-street type of scary

it's more like, real life scary. that's the real scary dream you can have..

hmm being an extremely introverted person i shan't tell you my darkest fears muahaha

nah, it wasn't that bad. but when i woke up i felt really anxious..

instead of a physical monster, mental monsters do much more damage.

and another thing that has been bugging me.

gawd i feel too awkward and introverted saying this -.- as usual.

i'll never get on with life being so irritating!

well.. i'll take a shot at this, but don't blame me if i hold back.

yess, to those people who have seen me these few weeks.. have i changed?

i feel that i'm losing my need to talk to people.

i can be perfectly contented not knowing anything or talking to people

incredibly self absorbed again, perhaps.

i feel like i can run off to the jungle now and never come back because nobody matters anymore

aw, don't get hurt folks. i still care a lot about you.

just weird.. i feel like some walking dead.

and like like, i really have to say this.. please give me time. i'll find myself back.

if you feel that i've been drifting apart and you don't feel close anymore, please don't despair.

i'll salvage it somehow..

idk, help me fix it? maybe reading too many of those understanding people books has finally blown my brains. hahaha.

or maybe this is the truth, but ignorance had been bliss.

it's like, it's true that people don't care right?

what you say, your deepest fears (nah i'm kidding i'm never gna tell you that)..

but seriously.. now when i speak i feel super conscious of whether i'm talking too much or if that person even gives a damn. so usually i stop halfway which is very fail cause i shouldnt even have said anything in the first place.

lol going mad. or becoming more self absorbed..

yes i've said it. comprehensible?

musingmouse

2011-12-08T23:38:00.001-08:00

hahaha y'know whaaat? (:

i'm so gna play the titanic song during my wedding!

okay now i sound like an idiot but yep, i'm not taking that back

it's so bliddin' nice [;

i'm in a poetic mood now.. *floats around in dreamy wonder*

gng for cip later. so excited haha cause it's prolly gonna be with old people

lol obsessive hmm.

y'know.. another thing is that i'm gna be the wisest person on earth when i'm old.

booyeah.

mouse

2011-12-06T00:30:00.000-08:00

haha was reading one of yik's 200 posts (-.- thanks for the estimated no. which suaned me)

but yeahh. i'm reminded of the subj combi thing.

i'm a real nagger. i've been harping on this since forever.

i'm really worried.. y'know. cause i get swayed by others so easily. and i don't even know what i'm good at. i hope taking chemistry wasn't the biggest mistake of my life, and i'm hoping that i stop saying that because i might ruin my own mood and my life.

i can't believe that after talking big and whatnot about interests and shit

i still chose the most secure and accountant-ish thing.

i guess it runs in the blood.. or maybe it's just animal instinct..

to be safe.

but my dad really said the best thing at the moment:

just forget about everything and do your best.

it's true, right? we take one step at a time and we make the most out of things.

ye, so this is gng to be the last time i ever think about whether it was a good choice, and just do it. everything will be okay.

mouseybeans

to be happy, that's all it takes

2011-12-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

been reading again, far too much for my own good.

actl. i've never imagined having parents who would insist that i stop reading

ah well :}

idk, been mind battling myself again.

it's kinda fun sometimes but being unwise sucks cause you can never find the answer to anything you ask yourself.

hmm wonder if it's really possible i'm all alone in this world and everything is just a figment of my imagination. but that being said, how do i learn new things everyday?

it's pretty amazing.. those things we see in this world.

i'm quite sure my brain alone couldn't have thought of all these.

so yep, i'm quite contented that you guys exist in real life, and not only in my head.

y'know sometimes just to check that everything isn't fake, i'd turn around suddenly and see if the people behind me are still carrying out their daily activities. cause if they aren't, it means that they're putting on a show for me to live in, which is scary..

hahha self centered prick.

i never thought that such a train of thought was possible, but..

"don't be a freethinker, which means that you think, think, and think. Be a 'no' thinker. Be a knower, not a thinker. All thinking is a sign that you don't know. If you knew why would you think?" -simply this moment by Ajahn Brahm

this quote brings me a lot of pain. it simply doesn't make sense to me. and actl i'm feeling the guilty feeling people feel when they disagree with something their religion/ religious leader says. that's why sometimes i'd like to be a freethinker. haha oh yeah, may i perish in hell for thinking that but wtv. i wna believe in what i think is correct. but if i don't think, how am i to know what is right? how can i know if anything is correct? how does Ajahn Brahm know that he is correct? (again, a rush of guilt is sweeping over me). it seems so impossible that you might be right when you are nothing. you have no wisdom, no knowledge of whatsoever, but you just can't agree cause it seems wrong in your little brain. sad. when people say that there is only one truth, i just can't believe it, cause nobody knows the truth, right?

there isn't one right path in life.. at least, that's what i feel.

of course, i agree in many things which he says. but if being religious is having faith in every single thing, i think i'm not very religious. when you just accept things, you don't learn. but when you think, you're too dumb to figure anything out. so either way you're just stuck. that's just..

sad.

haha dk how to continue anymore. i need to search the mountains for an enlightened wise man to help me up cause i'm dying here.

but don't get me wrong. it's not like i'm upset or anything. i'm saying this in a matter-of-factly way.

long way to enlightenment, mousey.

and your grammar's coming out all wrong

2011-12-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

roar the only person who gives me goosebumps when she sings is drew.

and she's out sigh..

that's so unfair ):

2011-12-01T17:49:00.000-08:00

HAHAHA YAY YIK (:

stop publicizing my failure to the world.

lolol ytd baked cookies with ting and lee (:

it was v. v. nice!! but mama insisted hers was better.. ):

hahaha oreo flavoured and tolb ones were the besttt.

and and sandy cheerz up (:

mouse

ANNOUNCEMENT

2011-11-30T06:05:00.000-08:00

Paging for yeek yeek yeek.

can i never never not be the last person to know of your forever changing blog's url?

thank you

over, over.

2011-11-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

little me, little you.

it's hard to be little, though sometimes we seek refuge in that.

cause when you're little, you know that there're much more things than just you.

you can always pick yourself up because that chance is in your hands.

so why do i feel so afraid that i can't live up to this new expectation?

maybe it's just me, as usual. i just hope it is.

what if i wasn't chosen because i was suitable, but because of my previous experience?

what if i fall short of what someone like that is supposed to do?

i'm afraid. it'd be cool to share a body with another soul so i can consult her on what to do.

so after all those bullcrap about trying my best and overcoming my fears, i'm still afraid after all.

facing the past, facing the things which i was so scared of..

most of all, facing the sense of failure i'd have if i cannot control the situation well

tell me what to do.

i don't know why i'm so affected. i just wish that i didn't mention anything that time

sigh. what do i want? why do i always end up asking myself that question?

i miss bio ): and geography.. like wth right.

but at least i'm not a genius. if i did well in everything i'll go mad choosing my subject combi haha. (: (this smiley is my consolation)

anyways i saw this app that showed the planet earth in this universe.

it's almost absurd how ridiculously small we are

okay so the sun and the eight planets form the solar system.

if the solar system is just a dot, there are billions of other dots in a dot among billions of other dots.

so we are a dot in a dot in a dot.

so yep, one billion solar systems to the power of three

lol. so who says we are the only ones in this universe?

we're the most primitive ones who have not found out how to travel to other solar systems, more like.

the other beings prolly overlooked us, since our sun isn't even considered a big star.

hahaha this makes me wanna laugh (:

lol weirdo or whaat.

mouse

2011-11-25T22:49:00.000-08:00

the audition was awesome! well done guys (:

i'm like addicted to the song naoz.

Sorry guys i'm sending the video soon!

haha actually quite sad.. hmm, i guess i do have regrets after all.

if only i had learnt the piano earlier.. the feel of music and stuff would really be different.

but at least i've improved this year. if there's anything i want to go for, i'd just do it.

it really changed things.

it's like i'm reliving my life again.

went for sailing interview, and they asked why i'd like to join

it's really to overcome my old fears i guess, of being alone in that ocean

i really don't like to give up now, so i'm bringing everything which i've once abandoned back

it feels good.

i don't know how it will work out..

environment's gonna change.. i'd prefer secondary school to take 6 years.

it's sad that i'm moving on so fast. and i can't remember so much of it.

and soon we'll grow up, grow old, and die.. but not before wondering where all the time went

i guess these days with the cheemies made me appreciate them a lot

and people in general.

basically i'm marveling at how we could have ever gotten together.

it was purely fate, like 100%, when you think about it?

i'm really grateful that they're there.

i could sit there for the whole day and not say a word but still be comfortable.

like wow. (:

yeah so anyways, this thought had been stuck in my mind for a long time

had a convo with my dad 2 weeks ago

and so i jokingly said that i wanted to be a doctor in the future

actually it might not really be a joke? lol but considering i change my dreams every 2 months you can just consider it a joke

but this time i was just touched by my mum's story about her relative's son..

they're like these rich bunch of people and the son's a doctor

and she said that he didn't forget why he wanted to be a doctor even after wealth and stuff were staring at him in his face

when the elderly didn't have money to pay their bills, he'd help pay for everything, medicine and all.

and i thought, like wow. and people said that we'd fall for greed if we got close.

doubt it.

could i ever be such a great person in the future?

if i became a doctor, would i become mercenary and build ten huge houses and drink grape wine all day on my million dollar recliner?

would i disgust myself in the future?

now we say that wealth isn't important because we haven't got a taste of it.

being realistic isn't very appealing to me, despite the fact that my dad gets angry every time i say that. perhaps i got to pull my head down from the clouds and stick my feet firmly onto the ground.

y'know, sometimes i feel selfish. i cannot do things just by considering my own happiness.

that's what makes the world go round right, consideration?

he says that it's a dog eat dog world, and that idealism will never get anyone anywhere.

but why? isn't everything so screwed up now simply cause nobody dares to be idealistic?

isn't idealism the perfect world? why must we succumb to the beliefs of other people?

if someone is mean, do we just go home to sulk and hate that person, and believe that life just sucks so we should just suck it up?

well, that isn't very brave.

why can't we be the ones who can make a difference?

why do we insist that we be practical and leave it to another person to change the world?

how does it work that way? isn't it a vicious cycle?

or maybe i just think too highly of myself, or any other person

maybe we're all just selfish beings. that's why we are stuck here.

maybe earth really is living hell.

mouse

2011-11-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Ask yourself this question often: "What do i see when i see people?"

Like all good questions, this will slow you down. And slowing down when it comes to judging others will make you gentle and keep you kind.

Because the first thing we see when we meet others is their mask. But if you pause and think a bit, you'll see someone like you. Someone's child. Someone who is uncertain. Someone looking for a star to guide them.

It's always easier to be kind when you know they are struggling just like you.

Mike Wagner

What i wish for you- Patti Digh

was just reading xiaomin's blog. really wish i could be as charismatic and funloving as her.

LOL, but i can't, so i will pray that my child would be like that in the future.

and i'd also like her to be natural like sandy

and be able to talk and capture attention like nicholas

oh and be as candid and forthcoming as yiying

and think deeply like yuxin.

no scratch that. i want her to be pure and simple. life seriously gets tiring if you think too much.

haha sorry yuxin.

as loyal and concerned for others as ziquan

oh and as clear minded about goals as chester

as respected as sizheng

those are the people i really admire this year

and oh so sad, i think ivory's super cool. pity i've known her too late.

hahaha not everyone likes to save snails by building bridges with me y'know.

mousey

2011-11-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

didn't mean to come online today actually

but i've been thinking about this all night that i'm going bonking mad.

two things happened today that made me kinda, well... not sad, but more of weary?

friendship, everyone knows how important it is.

it's difficult to find the bond between 2 people, and the reaction is endothermic hey?

it's non sustainable most of the time without a lil' effort.

for the first matter i guess i just feel slightly 无奈 but i don't think i have much of a right to make any decisions for them because it doesn't directly concern me.

hahaha i was thinking about this for a long time.

if you don't like someone, you should just say it, right?

WRONG. hahaha. theoretically this will do both parties good, but who ever has the courage to do so? i certainly do not. so while i am here ranting about being honest and shit, it's a whole load of bullcrap because i don't practice what i preach haha.

the second incident made me slightly more angry lol.

i utterly despise people who are mean to my friends.

and by mean i'm just putting it nicely

maybe i'm like chinhui too, fiercely defensive of friends, but i think i don't show it that much

it's just inside, i feel enraged. currently i'm accumulating bad karma just by thinking about it.

life sucks. yeah, esp when i have a lot to say but all i can do is give ambiguous sentences because if i want to run for president next time my words won't be used against me.

and of course, nobody's feelings should be hurt, even if i don't like that person.

but really, please don't be a hypocrite.

idk, have always been bad at judging a person's worth.

i hope that i am wrong this time, because i guess i'm the only one who sees it.

maybe i'm the person who has bad morals.

if you dislike someone, i guess the best thing to do is to shut your mouth and not tell anyone about it, because disliking someone only reflects how small your heart capacity is.

and telling others makes you a laughing stock.

why would you tell anyone anything which makes you look terrible?

hahaha i'm a hypocrite too, because here i am disliking somebody and telling the world.

yes my heart is only the size of my fist which is rather small i must say.

yeah so i have just realised that i have been contradicting myself the whole way and if this had been an essay i would have been given a D by Mr Kiw.

Speaking of Mr Kiw, he gave us this passage to read that time and there was this phrase which i liked a lot: 律己以严，待人以宽

best line i've read in weeks.

mousey

2011-10-29T20:28:00.001-07:00

gahhhh so so saad.

last day of school over in a hurry

i'm kinda glad it ended very smilingly (:

but it'd have been cool too if we sat in an emo circle to talk haha.

went to esplanade with cheemies and yeeeek.

we didn't do much, kinda stoned around and talked random stuff or sang songs

but it felt warm

like hey man, these are the people you can sit around doing nothing with and still feel comfortable and awesome hahaha.

but someday i'd like to go back to the riverside and sit in peace with just a few people.

talk serious yoz (:

the thing that's so great is that big group or small, they are all perfectly fine.

even one person is fine.

gonna finish up writing all the cards haha. procrastination.

received cards mostly from people whom i wasn't generally very close to.

idk, reading people's opinions of you is rather cool, esp those whom you don't know very well

and at the same time, it rocked because they still care to write.

so imma writing back.

the rule is that everybody teaches you sth, shall write that in every card.

Gobby's been awesome.

i've never met such a huge bunch of people together that could be so kind, and so considerate towards one another.

i guess that's how things go yeah?

we prolly don't have the best results in the world, but the close feeling we have for each other

(product of no rivalry), is just amazing. amazing. real real amazing.

every sentence is genuine, there isn't hypocrisy in the peeps in this class at all.

that's what makes them so special.

it's truly remarkable. i think every single person with their personalities will bring them far in life.

i'm so proud of this class. wish them all the best.

they'll bring happiness, and be happy wherever they go. (:

mousee

2011-10-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

read yuxin's post on leaving 4G

yep, i guess it's pretty sad.

it always happens, everytime i leave a class i'd swear it's the best one yet

but that's prolly because i always forget the stuff that happened in the past

now i'll say this class is the best one yet, but what if i forget my words next year?

whatever would i do?

it's annoying to forget things that meant a lot to you

and the only way not to forget is to meet up with the cheemies often next year too haha.

i think the only reason we met and clicked so late is cause getting used to people takes 1.5 years

at least for me...

hahahaha kinda dumb ._.

this bunch of new friends... i feel we're kinda weird lol.

i can't place it. i love all of them to bits.

they're just so great together. everyone is special in there, and everytime someone can't make it to a gathering, i feel that it's just different and emptier without him/her.

but idk if the same can be said for me.

've always been insignificant i guess. it really isn't easy to talk when the stuff they say are just so cool and amazing.

hahaha so my mellow periods are with them, not that it's a bad thing hurhur (:

but yeah, they'll always be this special bunch of peeps in my heart.

we're not at the stage where we won't judge each other for the things we say, yet

but i believe it'll come prolly next year/ year after next? (:

that's the thing. if we can reaaally last till next year, the friendship's gonna last a lifetime.

idk if the cheemies bond will be strong enough.

only hope that we'd met earlier

but priorities priorities, next year we'll all be busy.

but i'll try yeah.

argh getting sadder by the second haha.

the teachers, too, have been just unbelievably awesome.

these 2 years were the years which i matured most, and gosh, some teachers played such big roles.

there are 4 which i really liked, sorry favoritism.

Mr Han, Mr Tay, Mr Yap, Mr Kiw.

it's quite sad that we didn't really get to know Mr Han very well these 2 years but oh man,

he's quite somebody.

i only hope i can be as concerned and caring for strangers who don't listen, like him.

it's a real challenge to be enthusiastic when people are falling asleep and stoning all year.

the gifts, the notes, to every single person. they must've been tedious to write and required a whole lot of effort. and oh my how could i forget? on every student's paper, he wrote something. receiving the paper, it wasn't the marks which made me smile, really. it was his words. it was all worth it, studying even when i really thought i wasn't meant to score.

Mr Yap, he taught me all about leadership. he showed concern when everything wasn't going well. competition preparation, he stayed behind to help in eveything. he stayed late with us, did things with us. drove us home, laughed and smiled when everything was at its lowest. it was a great motivation, knowing that someone cared. during june, it was the craziest period ever. half the month was spent in preparation, and he cared about the grades, on top of the competition. he sent a really long email on how to improve my grades, and it did. i guess it was the nagging and the encouragement he gave that made me study. he was the solace i found in the cca. oh am i thankful to have him by our side all the while.

Mr Kiw was sensational. He really knew how to make people indignant. But he is indeed wise. It's really sad that he'd given up on us. I'd rather he nagged everyday and scolded us for being immoral and stuff than to give up. But i'm thankful that he still tried. trying is everything. idk if i've become a better person because of him, but i guess his subtle words really made a difference to every single person's life. through some action or another, i think we have all changed. if respect should be earned, he has my respect. it doesn't matter if you don't like somebody's actions, but as long as his intent is clear to you, he's a good person. it's wondrous really, how someone could be so law abiding. while people of our generation ridicule it, it is amazing- his discipline and sense of responsibility.

and my idol hahahaha. sian this one i have a lot to say but i always can't manage to say anything. Mr Tay's just special. from the way he knows everything about a person, it's sometimes quite scary to talk to him. it's as though all the bad thoughts i'm thinking can be seen right through me. that's why people need masks i guess. we're all good and evil. how can we ever deny? but it's hard to see the evil of any person, when everybody is just so good most of the time. i suppose he sees all the evil, but he always emphasizes on the good. the grades, Mr Tay, they're all yours. Every single subject actually, the grades are all yours. You and Mr Yap combined creates a legend. Being motivated to do well is one thing, but you made me feel that it was really possible. You were the first person who led me to believe in myself. That's the key to success isn't it, believing in yourself? Choosing to believe you was the one best thing i've done in my life. I just hope this belief in myself can last me a lifetime, or what would i do when you're not there in the future? and thinking. that has been the problem all these years. you're the only person who didn't think that any question was weird, who'd answer every question again and again, and who said that thinking about all these was good. is it really? i've come to doubt it because you are the only one who said that it was. but thank you for making me feel that i wasn't just somebody in this vast universe. there's so much more to say, but i can't say it. so.

yep that sums up those impt bits of 3/4G.

happy memories they were, really happy memories.

boy will i be sad that this is all coming to an end.

will next year bring such gorgeous luck?

mousey

2011-10-22T19:57:00.001-07:00

on the tumblr xiaomin says she'd rather be extremely sad and extremely happy than lead a monotonous life

i guess i'd like that too

it's just that sometimes when the sad part comes, it really sucks.

haha what's wrong with me. when i'm happy i never think of blogging.

it's just.. i think they know already.

they can sense it. i don't tell them as much as i'd like to, cause they don't understand anymore.

i'm wired wrongly the whole way, in every possible way.

i can't stand myself.

maybe i'm just bound to be a failure in society's eyes, and worse still, in my own eyes.

i don't know. does being good in math help in anything besides just getting 20k a month and getting to live in a house with 2o flights of stairs and getting to drive a huge car that takes up the whole road including the pavement?

and it all wouldn't matter unless i believed them that i needed cash to grow on the trees in my own backyard.

they say it doesn't matter not being good at all these, cause everyone has different good points

they say society just doesn't see it, but it doesn't mean it is non-existent.

but they are part of society, and they don't see it too.

of course, who'd prefer somebody who camps at home all day reading and drawing?

of course they'd prefer someone good in chinese who can impress all the china people in the future to earn big bucks, or someone who is good in math who can at least interpret stock market graphs to earn big bucks.

even i wouldn't like myself, seriously.

now i think i snap back at them a lot. i didn't do that in the past.

it was all nodding in agreement back then, and now i can just frown and sit in a corner sullenly when they talk. wth is wrong with me.

i'm tired of being inferior. i'm tired of having to prove my worth even to myself.

i'm tired of only feeling confident when i've achieved something

i'm tired that i can't do what i want to do because i feel it isn't enough.

maybe they are right. this is hell. hell in my own mind.

it's hell when you've improved but all you can see is potential failure in the future, or some mistake which you shouldn't have made.

never happy. even if everything went your way you wouldn't be happy

if you had a million bucks you wouldn't be happy

you'd be thinking: oh no, where do i keep it? what if it gets stolen? what if i regret spending all of it on cool pens?

if you had a hundred marks you'd be thinking: what if i don't get that next time? why did i not get that for the rest of the papers?

it never ends. how can it stop? it never stops because everything is just in the mind.

you can be grateful and yet never satisfied.

and so A levels, you get all As, what's next?

and if you don't, what's next?

both lead to the same thing, it's just that you look at yourself differently when you think you've achieved something in another's eyes.

you feel gratified that you are accomplished because people think that getting an A means that you are good

ultimately, you're just struggling with your own self esteem

you know, you run and run from the world. you think that they aren't fair to you, but they aren't causing the problem.

you can run from others but you can't run from yourself.

mouse

2011-10-17T02:55:00.000-07:00

woah haven't been here in a long long while.

it's been busy busy after eoys hahaha. out everyday. pretty broke now hmm.

so of course class chalet was uber uber fun!! (:

the part i liked most was when yik ziquan and i went to walk and sat there watching the planes.

idk, planes are really special to me.

that night i felt so tingly everytime one flew by.

you just feel so sad and lonely when sth that majestic flies by.

you just wish you could be on the plane, going places, getting to the destination of your dreams

but i wonder why, when i'm on the plane itself, i keep looking down, hoping for someone to look up and be like me, catching my plane and making a wish.

looks like we're never satisfied where we are.

it's impossible to describe how amazing it was.

sometimes being introverted really rocks haha. it's having an internal world which only you have the keys to unlock the door.

been thinking, sometimes it's pretty bad cause you just get so lonely.

when people talk, and you're there physically but not spiritually.

it's frustrating sometimes, because you have the capacity to be there but your brain wouldn't even try.

haha such mysteries of a childish little girl.

so anyways that's besides the point.

the reason why i felt so happy during this year's chalet was prolly cause my brain let me join in

LOL. never felt so happy in a long while (:

just going crazy is especially uplifting once in a while.

hahaha we didn't sleep, talked all night.

kinda hoped there'd be less people but it was fine haha.

ohh the teachers came over. hope they liked the cakuuu. (:

hahahaha i really like it that mr han is always so touched over everything.

it makes me feel really warm inside lol.

and so saaad. mr siva didn't stay for the cakuu ):

but nvm we gotta celebrate one more time idc.

i really like the cheemies haha. feel more connected with them after the chalet.

hope it lasts..

sometimes it's quite sad to be so unmusically inclined that you can't help but stare in great amazement at the stuff they say and their discussions on flats and sharps and stuff that look prolly like #

but i got ziquan to accompany me lol. and if not for that i'd have prolly not seen the planes. (:

so yepp. and they chose the band name and song.

i'll be the number one fan whee. (:

haha manager feelin' useless again.

yeppp so went to lan a few times actually.

it's quite fun though the places are rather weird and tingly in a bad way

but still, it's like super adrenaline-y playing.

thank goodness it has 2 sides to the game, or i'd have nightmares about the monsters for life.

haha makes me wonder, do everybody try to find connection with others?

even monsters have their own alliances.

we're all afraid of one another.

pretty silly ain't it.

the only time when humans get united would be when apes take over the world.

rather sad, but i suppose we can't change that fact

ugh it's been only a week and i feel that my brain's shrinking already haha.

idk, scared for O's.

it's quite crazy scary that everybody is so good at it.

i'm prolly the only one who can go and die cause i totally suck at it.

and i'm not even making the effort.

what the hell is wrong with me.

-.- sigh. haha getting irritable at myself. what a life.

yepp so tmr paper's coming. dk how it'll be, but everything's stamped and sealed so what's the point worrying.

ANYWAYS, went out with siqi and ting ytd. super duper tired from the chalet LOL. mood damper i'm sorry. but hope y'all had fun :)

yep so. (:

today was GoSH.

made me super confused. tragic. dragged muah feet all the way home.

art shalt be a hybrid (:

hahah but i'd be dropping chem which is prolly going to kill me.

should i? with lit as replacement? it's a pretty risky choice b'cause i have no idea how it'll be like

and i'm still taking econs no matter what the woman said haha.

she's funny, but i don't like people liddat haha. prejudiced.

or maybe give up physics? but it's cool ):

i'll just go ask mrs phua for advice.

haha as for now, i'd just go play my heart out ^^

mousee

2011-09-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

like wooosh.

so in 2 more weeks we'll be free (:

anyways was on hiatus for such a long time.

think i'll prolly not tell my parents too much on what's going on in my head

cause ytd was actually quite miffed at them, as they were at me.

was just asking them for their opinion on things (cause we're having an interesting debate in school hahaha) and they just grew angry and asked me why i keep doing this

is it wrong to ask questions?

why must i just accept everything?

so i was just telling them it's fun to hear different points of view so i can weigh them better

then my dad was saying: but who will care about what you've found out?

and i was like, huh? wth? must i do everything only if people bother?

so i said: i am doing this for myself. it doesn't bother me that people do not bother about what i think.

i don't even understand his question. it doesn't even fall into my range of consideration.

is survival among humans the only thing everyone wants? don't people want more?

idk, so ultimately i end up questioning myself.

like, am i correct to ask so much? am i right to think of all those weird stuff?

(well they weren't weird to me until people said they were)

see? peer pressure. sigh. what the hell am i talking about.

examz frying my brains.

yes. bye.

mouse

2011-09-17T23:27:00.000-07:00

口口声声说不重要... but it matters doesn't it, stupid girl.

this week's been busy busy.

and it had been an amazement.

i guess i've learnt a lot in this short span of time, and typing seems rather foreign haha.

idkk, it's quite scary to realise that you are actually v. childish after all this while.

but yeah, accepted it and moved on hahaha.

been pretty confused, but maybe some things are better off just being accepted and not questioned

i always wonder why my brain doesn't operate normally. but what is normal?

yeah, guess i should embrace my abnormality lol. special (:

okay actually i don't quite remember what'd happened this whole week.

just had fun with cheemies and planes again haha.

and eoys are coming, though i'm still slacking around being happily behind schedule lol.

stupid. :B

yeaso, maybe i'll try to do some soul searching when my mind's running about.

then p'haps i'll be calmer.

mousee

2011-09-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

huh. getting slightly tired over hearing about how you'd conquer the world if you believe in your dreams yada yada.

i mean, i'd like to believe it. but it makes me wonder, how true is it, really?

i'm sure many have tried to hold on to their dreams, because they believed.

then why is the world still such an unhappy place?

and how good is good enough?

we always say: when i get this i'd be happy, when i get there i'll stop worrying.

but it always changes doesn't it?

in the past, i'd be happy if i got a B

and then i tried harder

and now even with an A i still get upset that i didn't get a better grade

but why?

doesn't it ironically seem that the more you try, the less happy you become?

but why?

it's such a confusion.

they say you have to always try your best, but not care about the results.

is it possible, in this unenlightened world of my brain?

actually really, what is happiness?

it isn't something which can be measured by cars or houses. and even dreams.

chasing your dreams doesn't make you happy.

it makes you tired. because when you fail you just wanna give up but then everybody says continue so you try to continue and get more miserable if it doesn't come true and you still don't give up because it's your dream and people say if you work hard enough you'll reach it

and its always about people right? when do i ever think for myself?

but the thing is, i don't even know.

i am so absurdly reliant on like nice comfy quotes or pictures which brings out the best of myself

because i'm just too ignorant to figure things out for myself.

if i had been given no one to rely on, i might just choose to be an accountant or sth

when just years ago i'd scorned and said that i'll never do sth as boring as that.

what has changed?

my ideals? my perception of happiness?

or was this always me, someone who is materialistic and only wants comfort?

i read the papers ytd, about this lady who became a ceramist.

and i was like, oh wow. if only i had the damn guts to do that too.

but i fear. it isn't as though i can't reach the dreams

but that i don't even have the confidence that achieving my dreams can make me happy.

what if everything i had been thinking, the bliss of doing sth, was just a facade?

what if those realistic people were right, that i should just be more practical and do something that normal people do because it has been scientifically proven by precisely 78589 scientists that it is the surest way to go?

and then what would i do when i find out that i was wrong

what would i do if i found out that dreams were really just figments of a childish person's imagination?

okay, boomz. tired.

mousee

2011-09-09T22:42:00.000-07:00

so, this week is coming to an end.

and i'd like to think that i have been productive. let's just leave it as that (:

hmm, studying's not so bad, though on some days it just gets overwhelming when i feel that everything i study would certainly fly away from my brain after like 2s.

i guess everyone faces the same problems, but like mama said, you just have to try yeah?

it's rather pointless to sit moping around worrying about stuff that will just waste more time when at least you could have tried to study something even if you can only rmb it for 2 seconds.

yepp makes sense.

haha these days, amidst random bouts of high and low emotions, i've come to cherish my time a lot more.

it seems that i have grown up. everywhere i go now is a joy.

in school, at home, outside, they are all the same. there's no longer a point in time where i feel that i dislike something so inexplicably that i feel the need to be upset.

yeah, so (:

actually, when i got back on wednesday, or was it, i had a lot to say.

but well haha.

i think the idea on going to visit all the different religious associations in singapore is gonna be cool if we ever pull it off.

i guess my spiritual self is more shallow than i'd like it to be.

anyways, sidetrack. dad and i went to chinatown ytd by mrt o.o and we went into a hindu temple haha. i think everyone inside felt very gl-ed by us -.- but it was super cool lah the experience.

was actually contemplating if my religion isn't for me.

but after going into the hindu temple, i realised that i didn't feel the same peace i feel when i'm in a buddhist temple. that speaks a lot about my path yeah?

i always think that to be a proper buddhist, you'd have to be uber mature and such.

maybe i'm not ready for this.

i shall consider dwelling and pretending to be one on the surface until i realise the true meaning of practicing it.

that's sad, much. or maybe i'm trying too hard to uds it, such that i miss the whole point of uds-ing it because i just overlooked the fact that it had been in front of me all the time but i just looked into the distance trying to reach my destination and winded up just stepping all over the thing which i am looking for.

yeah the above sentence was just to confuse myself, which is such a pleasure haha.

okay whaat. that was a long sidetrack.

anyways, i'd like to get tgt with the planes and cheemies soon again! this holiday has been awesome possum with them hahaha.

i'm a big fat weirdo. sorry for not looking high with y'all if i didn't look that.

but i'm just glad to be with you guys, even if i don't show it cause i'm just being irritating to spite myself.

yepp and ANYWAYS i made a grand discovery about myself. (: imma so proud

after months and years of pondering and walking into lamps in deep thought

i have found out why everything always turns out not like i expected.

every time i do sth, i'd have this scenario in my head that it would turn out a particular way

and it never, ever happens that way

but then i realise it isn't cause of fate or anything, but because my brain was too absorbed in looking for the perfect ending that it makes such a great big fuss of something which is different from it. but if it actually comes true, my brain would treat it as something expected and not think about it. so the result is that i feel that things always don't turn out as expected, which is not true.

so the book says: expect the best, but be neutral.

haven't found better advice than that.

if things don't turn out good, put yourself in a neutral stance so you wouldn't be affected by it.

haha, kaining practice what you preach.

mousee

2011-09-06T05:58:00.001-07:00

today was rather productive haha. did much more than i would have at home, but clearly far off from my target.

omg and nicholas's house is so freaking nice hahaha. i wna live in someplace like that too, only that mine shall be in total isolation on the edge of a cliff or sth. (:

but then i'll need to fight with those pros like him and i'll just end up feeling sorry for myself and be living in a little shack beside the garbage dump haha.

so instead of making my life sad, i'd rather live happily beside the dump than living sadly beside the dump LOL. makes sense to me (:

LOL history essay-ing now. -.-

sorry mrs tan.

mousee

2011-09-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

i appreciate that i can dive and dwell wholeheartedly in something which i start.

unfortunately, some decisions could have been wrong. but that doesn't mean if given a chance, i won't do something to make it right.

if i keep this up, it could serve me well next time (:

mouse

ohhh hahaha i wanna resurrect this emoticon: :)) (le double-chinned smiley)

2011-09-03T00:03:00.001-07:00

feeling slightly pathetic naoz.

bro just left for china. like wow, o.o i should really do sth instead of cuddling under my comfy duvets all day.

ahahah disgrace disgrace.

and then i went to do some oil painting. it was epic.

because of course oil isn't soluble in water and i looked like avatar when i finished.

i was blue -.- my arms, my hands. and we ran out of turpentine omg.

hahaha so i used darlie, perfume, make-up remover, soap, you name it

and i had to eat m&ms cautiously in case i get poisoned by licking my fingers and die.

): maxxx.

LOL but life's great still.

got forced to clean my room, but now everything's sitting on the floor

like duhh, the only reason why my room is messy is cause i have no space to put my stufffff.

so by dragging them out again, they'd still end up somewhere not in the cupboards

rawr. simple logic. stop making me pack my roooom.

teacher's day been pretty fun hahaha. gave the teachers their cards. hope they liked it.

think i wasn't sincere enough for some. next year, next year.

i think if i were a teacher my greatest gratification would be to receive loadsa cards from students that don't only say: you're nice and caring.

yepp went out after that. spent bombs haha going crazyy. just slacked around, but it was okay cause we were at ILUMA. all time fave place. i like the grey old-new feeling about that place.

ytd went to mug with snail. was rather productive i guess.

life's fun :)

mouse

2011-08-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

it's so hard to describe this feeling i have.

it's a light buttery cake feeling, as well as a black forest heavy cake feeling.

to be told that i can be anyone i want- it's scary, but suddenly as i'm talking i don't feel the fear anymore.

it's like standing at the edge of the cliff and being told a joke blindfolded.

i don't know whether it's the truth, or because i'm someone who can be satisfied with baseless answers. but if i choose to believe, it'll make a whole lot of difference.

thank you for making me feel special.

words can't explain how grateful i am. it doesn't matter if people misunderstand.

i can't even try to justify myself, because i can't even explain how it feels like to be believed in.

it's amazing, really.

mouse

2011-08-31T06:43:00.000-07:00

i can't believe how many times i've said no these few days already.

it's supposed to be revitalizing, but it's scaring me.

i've gotta think quietly whether who i am turning into is someone desirable.

saying no to things you don't want might not make things better, if

1. that person gets sad

2. you get guilty and think about it all frigging day.

haha maybe imma people pleaser. but there's nothing wrong with that.

it's part and parcel of my life. i am happy when i do it.

so... i'd keep 'no' in my life, but i'll use it only when absolutely necessary.

the surroundings haven't changed. everyone is as brilliant as before. but i've changed.

for good or bad? idk. maybe more books will help. haha i'm wallowing in words but never ever drowning. i'm good at swimming in anything that isn't water. (:

so i've found my inner coach, and my inner pessimist. i like talking to myself now.

i now know it isn't weird to do so.

my coach is 10 times stronger than it was before. very soon, it'll manage to soothe the little inner pessimist girl inside and then i'll be okay.

tmr's teacher's day yeah man. (:

i really like writing cards hahaha. but i always worry whether it's sincere or personal enough.

i guess if i just focus, it'll be enough.

inner coach speaks up: kaining, it'll be great. do your best (: i've faith in you!

mousey

2011-08-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

when we all say we wna be normal, how many of us actually means it?

we all want to be different, to be set apart from all the rest. we want to feel special, because that way we feel that we are worth something.

went to the s'pore art museum today. was really revitalizing.

haven't gone to a place which made me wallow in awe-ness and sadness in a long time.

actually, thinking about it, i feel that i would be no happier if i were an artist.

imagine all that i could do, scrapping things out of my own imagination, and instead of criticizing it, people call it art.

like, wow.

but does that make me fulfilled in the long run?

planning, planning. always the future. never now. if i had nothing to plan for the future, i'd sign myself up for 30 art courses and spend 24 hours a day doing nothing but sketches and growing leaves from axes.

reality binds us all, tight. it's not that like this, life is living me.

i am still living life, i suppose, though not as vibrantly.

part and parcel. not everything has to go along with your wishes.

it's not that i'm not loving every single bit of my life now, but maybe it's because i love it so much that i have this constant fear that if i don't do something about it, this happy feeling won't ever last.

so the book asked me to describe my inner coach, and i never felt better describing her to myself.

it feels great, knowing for the first time that your mind is capable of contradicting itself, and you can choose to listen to either of them. it takes a great deal of patience, but we'll see.

maybe some day i'll be a confident pok haha. so there.

but well, writing all these makes my head go woozy and heavy.

teacher's day is like 2 days away and i'm not done with anything. i haven't started my history essay and i'm seriously wondering whether pure will power alone can salvage this horrible situation right now.

nahh, it ain't that bad. i mean like, c'mon, fretting over history essay? are you outta your mind?

hahahahaha, so anyways after art-ing wi fam, had a nice lunch wi them at pizza hut.

i 'scammed' ting and lee to go to funan to wait fer me hurhur.

it was nice catching up with them.

like v long nvr go out with them proper le. (this sentence is disgustingly grammatically wrong)

ugh, a hundred million squiggly thoughts are flooding my brain right now and i can't think straight. sucks ):

so there, i shall end this post absolutely incoherent and pretend that i am the most capable genius in the world as my inner coach would like me to believe.

mouse

2011-08-29T07:35:00.000-07:00

to cow:

hey girl, i've been thinking a lot on the 'good enough' thing too.

the phrase: i am good enough, it isn't objective. it is subjective.

this helps you do 2 things,

one, to appreciate what you have done for yourself and who you are

two, to do the things which you otherwise might never have dreamt of doing.

we are all good enough. it's just that a nagging fear worms into our head and tells us that we cannot. but in actual fact, we can.

i read this in a book: our self worth isn't determined by our achievements.

come-what-may, you would always be the most magnificent person around. maybe it seems hard at first to accept it, but you don't have to be the best to feel the best.

actually, it's a vicious cycle. we need to be the best to feel the best, and we need to feel the best to be our best.

so if i am not the best, i have to start feeling like i am the best, and then i will someday be the best

it makes sense to me (:

so i am on my arduous journey to change my mindset a little by little everyday.

yep so babe, you're always the best. we all are.

mouse

2011-08-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

hahaha today was fun (:

though my legs feel non-existent and i almost didn't want to shower cause i didn't want to get up from my wheelchair(s) (everything i could sit on) hahahahaha.

ohmygosh, it's so grueling. little wonder why i am not in sports -.-

but then again, despite my fail slowness, it was a lot of fun.

and i found out that i do have perseverance after all LOL.

and it was hilarious wi xiaomin and sandy hahaha.

we got lost after being pangsehed by the fast poks and went down a small lane beside the highway

and then there was a road sign that pointed us to tampines -.-

i was gonna faint and die there hahahaha. siao already, if we had to retrace our route omg.

then in the end cycled through this place with mountains of soil and whatnot. it was prohibited.

and it was fun hahhaa. very thrilling, though i'd rather we end up in some spirited away place instead of a golf course.

and the golfer uncle was very nice and funny hahaha.

he was so shocked to see us lol. illegal immigrant

luckily they didn't kick us right out or shoot us LOL o.o

haha privileges of being young x)

and then found our way out and felt like a WINNER :D

anyways found the pro cyclists sadly dismantling a wheel from the rented bike haha.

poor souls. hope it wasn't too tiring biking the spoilt bike all the way back.

xin ku ni le.

then xiaomin went back to take money LOL. omg so tiring right.

then had macs! despite my illness, i stubbornly ate fries and drank green tea lol. -.-

very long nvr fall sick le, it feels quite okay actually.

really makes me appreciate my healthy self haha.

then met up at tampines haha. went with nic. sorry to have made you wait! :X

then bought stuff for tchers day hehehe. it's kinda boring actually, sadded that we didn't have a chance to think of a brilliant plan ahaha. but thought that counts ;)

then arcade LOL. very long nvr go le, and realised that i am NOOB hahaha.

whooops, didn't have to exclaim it. but it was super fun ahhaha. i like the drums.

now hand pain leg pain everywhere pain. old already ):

hahah ddr was a joke, and xiaomin is a talent at all games omg. xiaomin you should be an arcade owner next time. (and omg pun hahahaha. double meaning lol :D)

and sandz pwned me in drums by 100 k points -.- wtshit hahahah that's pathetic mousey.

so tmr properly mugging le. you'd better snail. or i'd better, mouse. :x

hahaha so tired omg. but LA. tonight. or else.

mouse

2011-08-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

actually, i don't know why i am so affected.

and i feel like a bad person by saying it.

but i really really don't like the way you always say he will be better than me.

maybe you love him more, or believe in him more, but please don't put my dreams down

when i say i want to do something, please don't tell me that he is more suited for it

it hurts me, more than you would ever imagine, to be looked down upon like that.

and when i started to believe that i could fulfill my dreams, my big big dreams, you had to tell me that there are people who will always be better than me, right beside me. one.

why? am i not good enough for you?

must i prove my worth before you believe that i am worth something?

is that how it must be?

why is it that when i was young and said those stuff, it wasn't particularly amazing. but coming out from his mouth, it meant the world. and why is he better because of that?

what is it that i am lacking, please tell me

perhaps all the motivational books and whatnot didn't help in real life issues after all

they were only useful to soothe my imagination and spur on my hopes and dreams

i'm terribly sorry if i am not good enough for you.

see, now i am doubting my self-worth

and i am starting to suspect if my choice was right after all.

mouse

2011-08-26T07:18:00.000-07:00

actually, wow. i feel really enlightened (:

role model. it's nice for a change that my thoughts are taken seriously and answered without me being treated like a child.

i feel really comfortable now. and right now, i feel that i might almost be content.

thanks for listening, for understanding, and for making me feel big enough to fit in my shoes.

mousey

expectations and reality

2011-08-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

this is for all of you, and me.

so, common tests have just ended.

i would say i am more satisfied than in the past.

i can see the change i wanted to see, and i am grateful that i listened to my mother.

just a few months ago, everything was screwing up. i was trying, and failing.

so i told my mum that i didn't wanna do it anymore. after all, it was fruitless, right?

wrong, she said. just based on a few defeats and you're giving up? all these take time.

and she was right.

i know some of y'all might be upset over things that aren't going your way, but hey, everyone has experienced those times before. never give up (:

and it helps just to do it and not think of any consequences at the end, cause it might make you nervous.

y'know, for math, i pract-ed alot.

so to those who pract-ed alot, continue to piaaa! it helps, even if you don't see it now.

anyway this post was supposed to be motivational. yeah but wth -.-

never lose track of your dreams people!

mouse

rain and me

2011-08-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

i clicked on the song, sandz.

well, the movie in my head was of this girl in a pretty white dress treading softly along the lines where the waters of the sea and the sand of the beach met. there was a trail of footprints behind her. and then the wind grew stronger, and stronger. and she started to run. then it rained, and the sky turned dark blue and angry. the waves grew stronger, and the girl ran faster and faster, her wet hair sweeping in a tangled mess behind her. and then the rain softened, and she started to slow down. her dress and hair were wet and clung to her skin. the sky grew brighter, and the sun came out. suddenly she found herself walking on water. and then she smiled.

speaking of rain, there was a heavy one today. i love the rain. it makes me sad and happy at the same time, it's one of the things which makes me confused and yet embrace it. it's like chilli, spicy but addictive. it makes you cry, but you like it for that purpose. it's a big fat irony.

at precisely 7.08am today, it felt uber good, like a rush of happiness swept through me.

the sky was the right colour, pretty dark, but not grey. and of course, today was a great day (:

and i feel very poetic right now, which makes me feel sleepy and just a little rueful, smiling to myself.

i made a promise to myself. no more negative things. when i catch myself saying negative stuff about myself or anyone else i'll just shut it. so if i suddenly stop halfway without finishing my sentence please don't insist that i finish it.

anyways, ytd i got a reeeeeaaaaallly chio present! :D

it was from yeek. i didn't bring it to school today cause i just know sth will destroy it.

it's such a delicate thing omg. teewhai yeek. you should go be an aesthetic-ky woman next time.

it's sitting on top of my panpac book now, and the sight of it makes me happy. hahaha the colours are so warm and cheerful (:

idk, things are always based on your mindset, it seems.

just when i decide that i will be a happy person, i am. and nothing seems to change that.

it really isn't about the environment, or other people.

i hope this feeling stays with me, and that i'd smile forever.

but have been thinking about it, it's true that there's no such thing as being 100% good.

and i should stop striving to be in my own way.

i should just accept myself for who i am, and be selfish when i need it most

then perhaps i can appreciate myself more and be a confident chap. (:

hahah it just seems plain wrong on paper (or on the screen if you want to be niao about it)

but yep, just because we are imperfect, life is so perfect.

we have our differences, and that's what makes us unique.

and then interacting with people so unlike yourself becomes enriching and fascinating.

and then i just forgot what i wanted to say

but i still love myself for that haha (striving to be positive)

mouse

2011-08-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

the thing about blood is that it scares you. to bits.

i was washing the glass plate for painting and just rubbed against the square edges and went ouch.

and then there were scratched on both hands, but then blood started to form on one.

and so the immediate reaction was OMG, shit that must be painful.

and then i went about acting like my finger was disabled.

and then while showering, i realised that it didn't hurt at all, the other scratched finger did.

so of course, the moral of the story is never jump to conclusions when you don't understand anything. and don't be afraid of stereotypes.

mouse

2011-08-21T07:36:00.001-07:00

rawr i have gotten over myself.

is that what they call resilience? :D

*fishes for compliments*

anyways, i did not just use that term.

fishing for pleasure is plain mean.

it's not that i'm a saint.

i eat fish everyday. hyporitical lah.

but everytime i see people fishing, i can't help feeling fascinated. and then when i get closer i feel sympathy for the fishy, and the disgust at the person who lured me with his catch.

that's what happened yesterday. went biking to ecp with my dad.

then it's the first time i properly noticed that break waters have numbers on them.

somehow, i don't see why people need numbers to remind them of their favourite spot.

imagine being in school on the swing, at spot 78 x 52

how would you feel when numbers replace your feelings?

it's kinda sad.

like matrices. running and diving is pretty cool, but really tiring.

and i know not why i mentioned it.

i was going to sighhhh and say: tmr will be a better day

but i should not say that, because i should live everyday well.

so, today was not a good day, so i'd live everyday from tmr onwards well.

or rather, is it too late for me to start my day over?

okay.

i shall reawake on the right side of my bed.

good morning! what a great day it is today (:

mouse

2011-08-21T06:11:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time since i felt so, well... tired.

so, was browsing through a book which i'd borrowed yesterday.

it's a 90 day big peace plan. and i've done day 1.

Big peace day 1: Do 15 minutes of nothing, and write it down.

(Okay so i typed it in my phone while on the train. There were lotsa stoning and drifting in the middle, but i wrote down everything i could remember. okay, embarrassing. they aren't going to be edited.)

Why is that when i try to verbalise my thoughts they sound so shallow? The more i try to think of something, the more i can't think of anything. Are oranges red? Am i thinking am i gaining enlightenment? Is what i'm feeling now difficulty? Am i avoiding the situation? Is that discontentment i feel over robo? Why are human contacts we awkward and we know it but it doesn't change anything? Why do i feel more conscious of sth when i know about it? Isn't this not learning from mistakes but aggravating it instead? I'm thinking of putting this up on the blog. Is 15 minutes up yet? Why is it that we dare to spin old phones but not new ones?

-end of traintrip which wasn't even 15 minute oh but who cares-

okay so point noted, i ask too many questions, even to myself

no wonder i fumble mumble in my own brain. damnit. what's with the orange being red. it doesn't even make sense.

imma excited for tmr's big peace (:

mouse

2011-08-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

learning how to play titanic theme song will be my only motivation for this piano rush.

this, again, is one of the things which makes me feel so very annoyed with myself

i always want something, and then change my mind.

sdfghjkl;' it's just so damn pissing then i should just go and sleep and seek refuge in the happiness of my dreams and the weird things people do in my snoozy head.

mouse

2011-08-20T07:57:00.001-07:00

have been thinking of doing it for a very long time, a confession to my parents.

we were in the car after dinner, and i decided to tell them

so it went like this:

me: mummy, i think you have to pay for my university fees already. i can't get a scholarship (says in a matter of fact tone)

mum: how come?

me: *counting off my fingers* presuming there are 400 students in each level, RI has 400, RGS has 400, NYGH has 400, HCI has 400, and DHS has 400. so i'm the 2000th student.

-awkward silence-

mum: not all scholars will do great in the future

me: i know, but still?

mum: why don't you get a SPH scholarship?

me: and be a journalist?

mum: why not?

me: i'd have to work for them, and they won't let me take a course which doesn't suit their needs

mum: you can study econs.

me: but i don't want to study econs.

-awkward silence, dad continues to drive-

me: so, looks like you have to look to him *points to bro* to get your house in japan

mum: you better try harder

me: life sucks

mum: why? because you have to work harder?

me: no, because i have to try.

yes. typical. damnation. failure. idk.

i don't know. maybe tonight will be the night they decide to defenestrate me when i'm asleep.

disappointment right? if life had not been rose coloured at all, today will be the day i admit it

it's pretty sad to have been telling yourself that you were meant for great things, and then finally admit it in a small voice that maybe it isn't the case after all.

and it isn't as though i can't help it.

not born to succeed, you know? that term.

it doesn't matter if they tell you that you're good, or if you are really good.

what matters most is that you feel so.

but i don't. and it isn't that i don't try to try to succeed.

i try to try, but fail to try.

this whole life has been full of the "i want"s, but i have never done a single shit to get what i want

it is as though they will come falling from the sky like the rainbow after the storm.

why wasn't i born more practical, or realistic?

why must i be a dreamer who never gets anything done?

how long can i look through a rose coloured glass at this world before someone smashes a hammer into it and breaks the glass?

before i even see the real world, the glass shards would have gotten into my eyes and blinded me.

it doesn't matter how many times you try to convince yourself you have done your best, because you just know you haven't. i haven't tried. i haven't put in any effort. and i know it, that's worse. it hurts everyone around me, and i am not going to pretend that i do not care.

i just can't fathom what would happen when they thought i would succeed and i failed them.

it doesn't matter whether i come to terms with my failure, or if they ever do. even if they do, it'd be worse, because they might turn understanding towards someone who doesn't deserve a single shred of their pity.

went to the library alone today.

it felt nice to be surrounded by books which have brought me comfort since i'd learnt how to read.

so now, most popular with my brain: self help books.

i found myself borrowing books on happiness. what does it mean to be happy?

they say it doesn't matter if you are successful or not, as long as you master the key to happiness.

and well, unsurprisingly, i have not mastered it yet.

how i wish i could see the reality of things and go, gee, i don't really care. all i wanna do now is to have a watermelon flavoured lollipop and sit around all day watching telly.

until i start trying and stop thinking about how not trying affects my life, i will never get anywhere and will most probably spend the rest of me life thinking how pathetic i am to be sitting around thinking about being pathetic.

i do not make sense, and somehow i do not care because after all these years, this has been one post which reflects at least half of what my heart has been trying to figure.

so now, i shall submerge myself in books like a loser and pretend to be one of the idiots who just need to read to find the true meaning of happiness. or perhaps, they are the wise ones.

mouse

well, sunshine

2011-08-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

mmmmmm, have almost forgotten how good hazelnut chocolate tastes x)

actually, i was going to go online yesterday to rant about everything, or anything in particular.

but then after dinner, i went for a walk with my family, and i just told my mama stuff.

of course, her advice was typical realistic and factual stuff, but i didn't mind

it was just a load off my mind to talk to someone.

haven't been doing that very often lately.

ideals change. humans change. we mature, and maybe for the worse.

and yes, i'm afraid of disappointing people. very afraid, in fact.

so likewise, i'm afraid of disappointing you in my actions of not disappointing others.

no backbone? possibly. it's really a matter of whether you wanna be responsible towards yourself or others. these two generally do not come hand in hand.

yesterday, i was in a crummy mood. but being in a crummy mood doesn't change anything

it doesn't change the fact that my chinese grade is screwing up, it doesn't change the fact that i shouldn't be affected by it. and it doesn't change the fact that by not caring i would deserve myself a little less.

most of the time, i actually do not feel that life is living me.

i'd always thought that i was living life, quite merrily in fact.

but perhaps i was wrong, one would never know.

but then again, what i think must be correct in terms of myself.

if i think that it is how it is, then to me it must be.

if i think rubbing onions into my eyes is a form of happiness, then perhaps it is.

so yes, it is undeniable that i was rather sad about that matter

but i will respect your decision.

yep, hope you'd be alive too, when i've finally figured out my path.

mouse

attempt to organise thoughts (ii)

2011-08-17T06:33:00.000-07:00

Totally contradictory, but is it impossible to be wise and yet stay simple, understand others and yet choose to trust their good intentions? Life's an irony, and nobody ever wins. Why is it that theoretically, if you trust too much, you'd get hurt, but in the end, those who stand guarded end up getting hurt most?

Maybe it isn't about other people, but yourself.

Everything is about how you portray the world to yourself, and not the other way around.

The world through rose tainted glass is perhaps self deception again, but if it's true to you, who dares to claim otherwise?

Nobody can win an argument saying: I tell you, you do not think that way.

if you were to choose to believe that everyone out there is compassionate, every little good deed they do will amplify and you'd feel happy. ain't it? that's utopia for me.

there are 2 worlds which we all live in, one for the body, and the other for the mind.

we are all united in the bodily world, but we can never slip into the realm of our minds. of course, those enlightened beings can read everyone just by looking at one person. we're all that similar, and yet just so strikingly different that it makes one go raving mad.

that's why i wanna gain enlightenment soon, but at this rate, with no clue whatsoever whether i'm going the right path, it's pretty hard to do so.

ay, sometimes i just like being told what to do. school's easy, and fun. because you know that as long as you follow the instructions, you'd never go wrong. but life's not like that. nobody can tell you exactly how to lead your life, because everyone in this realm is struggling to make sense of it. i wish that an enlightened being would come and just hand me this instruction booklet, or better still, tutor me until i get it. but to be wise you have to experience it. kinda like studying. sometimes pure memorising doesn't do the job. you have to understand, and live it. but it's hard to live something so perfect, and it's double the difficulty when we don't even understand the concept of perfect. the very fact that we can have philosophy debates shows that as human beings, our flaws are so blatant and outright hilarious.

who are we to judge what is right or wrong?

it might be wrong for the above sentence to stand true, but how do you know you are not wrong about it being wrong?

everything is a huge warped bubble. you try to poke it with ten million needles of thoughts, but somehow this bubble of disillusionment stays strong and doesn't pop. you can see the world outside, but you can't feel it, you can't live it. you don't know how it feels to know the truth, and sometimes you even doubt if there is such a place as a place of truth, because your whole life has been nothing but a lie.

mouse

attempt to organise thoughts (i)

2011-08-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

you know, when i was young, i thought that food was stacked out from the bottom of our soles right to the top of our throats. so when we ate too much, the food would tickle the throat and we'd feel like puking.

those thoughts seem so far away, it seems almost incomprehensible that i'd think of something like that in the past. but back then, it had seemed perfectly reasonable, and why not, if it worked for me? if what you think is right is right, then why is it that when you grow up you start to doubt yourself and turn your right to a wrong? it's not a bad thing to doubt yourself, cause that is when you can learn. self deception is one of the human flaws which i feel is in every inch of my soul. deceiving yourself that wishing upon planes can really come true, that little prince is a true story, that mary poppins exists, and so much more. but even now as i am thinking i'm deceiving myself, i'm not entirely believing it. unbelievable. what nerve. deceiving myself about deceiving myself. -.-

so the point of this post is to describe the shocking realization over my retardation.

so actually from the start of my thinking journey, it had never occurred to me that what i was thinking might actually be totally warped and off point and childish. i just... thought. it didn't occur to me whether they were right or wrong. (human flaw number 4 states that self deception lurks in everyone) It's quite shocking to learn that everything has been a big fat offpoint thing, when i've developed my thoughts that way for the longest of times.

actually now as i type i totally forgot what my main point was. darn this.

it's quite frightening, really, to be thinking in a way that is completely unfathomable by others because it's just so flawed to understand. maybe i think that way, i mean how would i know? maybe i should just stop speaking so much, and just listen, observe, and learn. not being able to think properly is a severe setback, seriously -.-

i've never fully realised that i didn't understand people. it's quite true i don't notice much. i just sit around totally self absorbed in my own world. sometimes it's amazing how i can survive being this insensitive. it's not that i can't feel others' emotions or what, but more like i do not understand their intentions. and even if i do, i trust them anyway. that's a flaw too. why the hell would you trust someone if you know their evil plot or whatnot? it just doesn't make sense. just as how a bad person has a good side, a good person has a bad side too. always so prejudiced (human flaw number 2).

to me, it had never been a problem until today. maybe it had never been a problem, even today, but as usual i'm just finding that blemish in a thousand yards of good silk.

oh, maybe that's the introverted self. even though i get energy from others, i focus mostly on my thoughts and not on them. i never used to mind what bad things people did, as long as i don't do them myself. so is it okay to notice them and not mind, but learn instead? and then watch their great moves and remember that so you can put it to practice afterwards.

and then the chunk above was totally not my intention or the exact words flailing about in my brain trying to get out. i'm sorry, not to you, but to myself for not being able to speak my mind.

language is so. ugh. primitive and ugly. i wna learn the language of the world, show happiness without speaking, warn without scolding, and cry without blubbering. words words, we've all been bounded by them. we're rendered helpless without them. but all they try to do is portray the feelings you can't get out of your mouth. maybe it's not anyone's fault that we all can't speak our mind. we are just not properly equipped for it.

maybe in the next realm, i'd be smarter, wiser, and not face all these simplistic burdens of my thoughts.

mouse

2011-08-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

thinking about whether all good people in the world is better than a mixture,

i've come to a conclusion.

i prefer this world.

if everyone were good, we'd all be too lazy to grow.

it'll be so easy to get disillusioned.

naturally, when people are nice to you, you'd be nice back.

but that isn't being a good person, that's merely reciprocating the kindness.

when someone isn't nice to you, and you reciprocate with mean-ness, you'd realise that you aren't a good person after all.

so the only way to learn and improve is with not-so-nice people in this world

there, you'll be able to tell if you are really a good person like you thought.

take me, for instance.

it feels easy and natural to be nice

and i thought that i was a good person

but actually, it isn't because of my own merits that made me nice to others

it was because they were nice first

so thus, when someone is mean, i found myself having quite negative thoughts

which is a big shock, cause my mama said that i was just suppressing my evil-ness all along

LOL, so yeah, i conclude that i'm not a good person, if the world is black and white

good that i know now actually, but then how am i gna change?

it's quite difficult once my values are rooted in me.

actually it's queer i only noticed now that i'm not a kind person hahaha.

since young, my mindset was to reciprocate people with anything given to me

so of course, revenge is always an open option haha.

but then, now as i grow older, i can suppress those thoughts better

but that doesn't mean it's not there.

thank goodness for my goldfish memory.

i'm starting to get itchy fingers.

if one day i can't take it anymore, i might just burst and then goodness know what will happen

-.- but hopefully as of now, my goldfish memory is still going strong (lol)

i'll try to forgive and forget lah, but please stop doing it every five minutes or i'll pop like a blue balloon. that didn't even make sense

so i didn't even make my point at all in this post. in fact, i've already forgotten my point.

oh seriously -.-

so even though we'd all like a utopic society for our lazy minds to get lazier, with it we'll never be able to see our shortcomings.

but ugh, smiling will get us through (: (: (:

mouse

2011-08-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

actually, speaking of privacy and technology, it's rather ironic.

i remembered mr kiw saying how it's so sad that nowadays, we can't have open doors and friendly neighbours: everyone is too busy protecting their self interest and guarding themselves against others.

hasn't technology opened up our lives even more? why is it that we try to hide everything behind doors only to reveal them from head to toe toe to head online?

have we become that unreliable and scheming against other people?

it's self fulfilling prophecy.

the more we guard against others, the more people will try to hurt you.

cause when you guard against something, it shows that someone is trying to hurt you.

so the rule of self fulfilling prophecy number one by mousey is that people will naturally try to break your shell and get to the tender meat underneath.

by hiding, we have become vulnerable.

if we open our doors and trust wholeheartedly, nobody would really think of stealing your things

how could they bear to, when someone trusts them so much?

it's really simple psychology which is super fun to use haha.

but mean towards the other person.

sometimes we unintentionally say out what we like about a particular person, and not surprisingly, due to pride or whatever reasons, that person will never fail to be a good person in front of you.

so shower praise, it will never bring you harm.

but of course, you've gotta be sincere, like those people during the kampung days.

i watched the national day concert ytd

and i really loved it. it had a story (at last!)

and i had a huge yearn to be able to throw my doors wide open and let anybody in

and then in my wildly idealistic brain, the person would come in, help himself to a cookie, settle on the sofa, and just watch telly. when i go to shower, he wouldn't take the chance to steal the money on the dresser, nor do anything mean. instead, when he's done with tea, he'd walk out of the door without taking advantage of anyone or anything.

fair trade ain't it, security for cookie?

mouse

2011-08-10T06:43:00.001-07:00

actually i sometimes wonder what will happen if i'm more of a thinker than a feeler.

do people who use their brains have thoughts running in sequence?

why does mine run here and there, and then go very still, only to dart away when i draw near?

it's getting quite irritating never catching up with what i think

cause when i finally reach what i'm thinking and understand where i'm at, i forget what i'm thinking about.

detrimental.

it makes me lose depth in my thinking

so every time i want to convey what i'm thinking, i am suddenly left with the ghost of my once vibrant thought.

and then i go shit, and try not to say anything, but it's too late cause i've started talking

and everybody would be going what the hell is she talking about man.

so like, that's the reason i wish to shut up.

it's almost because i want myself to learn to think before i speak, even though i have thought but i just forgot.

so i hereby correct the sentence, i will only speak when i know that i'll remember what i was about to say.

mouse

2011-08-10T06:18:00.000-07:00

hahaha heyy by chance found lengyuk's blog.

and saw this:

everyone has a secret they haven't shared. everyone has a past no one's heard of. everyone has talents that people don't notice. everyone has weaknesses hidden inside. everyone has a story left untold, so never start judging someone thinking you know that back to front. because the truth is, you probably don't.

hahaha it's slightly cliched, like most posts on tumblr. but i think it's quite true.

many a times there is more than one side to the story.

the person telling the story usually has more than half to hide

when you tell a story, you'd exemplify your good, and put down the person which you are complaining about.

everyone does it, and i admit i do it all the time.

but i just can't help falling helplessly for it everytime.

i believe mostly wholeheartedly what the person is saying.

rather unfair towards the 'antagonist'.

well well, human nature.

anyways, i'm sorry to say that my zihigh mood is gone hahaha.

mever mind. time to be realistic and practical and all the words i do not particularly like but is essential in surviving in this world.

and speaking of practicality, what the heck am i doing here now when i haven't finished the project, studying for tests, and etc etc.

well, i'm in love with the song hz recommended: a twist in my story, secondhand serenade.

the whispers turn to shouting, and shouting turn to tears

your tears turn to laughter, and it takes away our fears

so you see, the world doesn't matter to me

i'll give up all i have just to breathe

the same air as you till the day that i die

i can't take my eyes off you.

spammed it throughout the holiday haha.

anyways today did something really special ahhaha.

felt quite awkward but i masterly tried to pretend that i wasn't

hahahaha. hope it worked.

it was quite funny.

i loved today (:

but i do hope he likes us back.

i disagree that teachers shouldn't be given the right to love their class.

mouse

2011-08-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

so like omg i forgot! Happy birthday Singapore!

Dr Foo is right. Without a country, there wouldn't be a home.

and without a home, there wouldn't be us.

So treasure your parents, your country, and anyone who made you who you are today.

cause i'm sure you wouldn't trade yourself for the world.

yep so yesterday was kinda fumbled jumbled in my brain. internal war yeah.

didn't blog about it, so journal-ed instead.

i'll just put a short paragraph here, the one that isn't as sensitive an issue.

Now, we’re one week late, and somehow it feels like it’s all my fault. But is it? Have I not done my part? Or is your own part never enough? Is it only being responsible when you do more that is expected of you? Maybe I’ve given up trying to take charge. Now, I’m taking orders. I don’t do anything that doesn’t concern me. Or is it just an excuse? Maybe I just wanted to play. That’s why I just left the group to themselves. Even after I’ve done my part, it just seems wrong. But why? Of course you say with certainty that you don’t care what people think, but you do. Everyone does. You feel unjust that people don’t feel the same way as you do. You feel unjust that people only look at the results, or in this matter: something more complex, the time you spent maybe? What if someone takes ten years to build a bridge, while the other takes five? Does it mean that the one who took a long time spent more effort? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it’s the lack of skill, but somehow, everybody will trust the bridge that was built in ten years. Numbers are deceiving. Once you get past zero, there’s never going back. Things just spiral. You’re never satisfied. Humans are driven by hunger for more. And then when we realise that we were wrong, we drop dead and die.

So maybe, it’s just my mindset. Maybe I’m too selfish. I would never know, talking to myself like that. You always have great plans for humanity, but when you try to execute even a small bit of consideration, you find it isn’t that easy after all.

Now when I have started to be happy, have I made the others around me unhappy? But why is it that I do not care? I had always thought that my mood is based on those around me. But now, I can see that everything revolves around ourselves. We’re just selfish creatures, all of us. We do things to gain something, always. Maybe I had been a bad person right from the start, and it’s just that my soul has been desperately trying to hide that fact. Maybe I’m the worst person on earth, and maybe good people are just plain evil within.

But if bad people are bad and good people are bad, then why do we even bother living in this screwed up world?

it aint that short after all. -.-

mouse

2011-08-08T22:14:00.000-07:00

just a random thought.

i was arranging my pebbles again as usual, when i came across a pebble that was transparent but yet looked opaque because of its coloured base.

so the troubling question was: do i put it in the transparent pebble box cause it is transparent, or in the opaque box cause it looks opaque?

in the end, i chose to put it in the opaque box.

pebbles, they're like us.

perhaps we are something deep down, but we show portray ourselves differently to others

and so if i like someone for his/her colours, is that very wrong?

to me it isn't.

just like what my father said: someone put a rope in a dark room and lets you enter, you see the rope and thinks it's a snake. so what is it? a rope or a snake?

of course, the answer is that it is a rope, cause it is.

but to you it is a snake. (am i making sense)

so my answer would be: it's a snake.

i like the people around me for what they portray.

is it really that important what's deep down?

everyone is trying to be a better person, and the image portrayed must be the best one can get

isn't it great that everyone is trying so hard for everyone else?

isn't that the spirit of humanity which made us prosper and improve over the decades?

so c'mon people, you have so much to learn from pebbles. (lol interest-self-promote)

i'll take a leap of faith, and hold on.

it's confusing, but i choose to follow my heart.

there was a point of time where i thought i should let go of our friendship

but i'll hold on.

maybe it's stupid, but i still portray you as the person i knew in the past

let's face it, we have all changed.

but the friend which i loved dearly in the past is not there anymore.

and yet, i can feel its presence sometimes

maybe we're growing masks, or maybe we're becoming too proud to admit our flaws.

have still a lot to learn from you, and i still treasure our friendship

so i'll hold on.

i believe that my heart is right.

mouse

2011-08-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

i know this might decrease the transparency between us, but yeah sorry i didn't feel like answering.

i had to try to refrain myself from saying something mean back, so well.

i guess we're just very different.

when i try to be a good person in one way, you make snide remarks

now when i'm not doing something, you make it sound like i'm being mean

i really don't know.

i thought about it the whole way home, and i guess it just didn't occur to me to do that

maybe i'm inconsiderate, idk.

thought i was told to do whatever made me happy

looks like it's only the case sometimes. other times i have to be responsible towards others as well

when is enough ever enough?

today was uber duper fun! (:

had the bestest best time today being mind boggled and confused.

lol ideas keep getting shot down by pros.

xiaomin, let's succumb.

anyways, i'm just contented listening. it's so uplifting.

sometimes this makes me feel that i'm not alone

i could find a small part of myself in everybody present.

like, wow. oh my.

i guess that's how enlightened beings can read all human hearts by just looking at one.

mug was fail, but who cares? (i care! D: )

yeah haha, peeps around are just so deep.

i feel really safe in this little circle haha, like yuxin.

i suppose it's cause everyone has an answer for everything, so when i'm lost, i just need to turn to one and i'll get something to seek solace in.

it's so different from stoning at home, cause you never find the answers you need.

humans are catalysts for thought.

i'm so amazed at how everybody is a good person at heart, and yet have so different values.

it kinda makes white not very white after all

i don't feel very opinionated nowadays, or mostly i can't put my thoughts into words

most of the time i don't even know what i'm thinking about -.- how to grow?

haha talking to the cheemees (i shall call the group that) makes me feel slightly afraid that i'm not maturing fast enough.

at this rate our GP will be A*

mouse

2011-08-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

NATIONAL DAY NATIONAL DAY! :D

imma very happy hahaha.

yuxin can we crash your house to watch fireworks? xD

LOL i feel quite retarded even though i'm sitting at home in front of the comp

cause i found a mini flag and waved it to the NDP 1998 theme song: home.

hahahaha. -.-

this is home, truly, where i know i must be, where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows ~

haha, actually sometimes i like having flag raising in class

cause hearing the pitter patter and smelling the cool morning rain make me feel super overjoyed.

and then the national anthem starts to play, and i start to dart my eyes around at those around me (shhhh)

it makes me feel so proud and touched.

we're all one people, one nation, one singapore.

no matter how different we are, we're all connected through this amazing country.

oh yeah man :D

i somehow feel that i've been possessed.

i've been waiting for my mood swings to come back haha, and then i'd be sad again

but apparently it hasn't been here for like 3 weeks already -.-

which is a big amazement to me.

hopefully the plunge wouldn't be as great as the rise if it ever comes.

haha i remind myself of the economy right now.

hopefully things turn out for the better (:

mouse

2011-08-06T00:49:00.000-07:00

wow true, for certain circumstances.

other times, they are just weak.

okay imma shutting up and just going to lead a boring life drowning in homework and tests.

bye.mouse.):

2011-08-06T00:43:00.001-07:00

yeah man 2 more days.

2011-08-06T00:14:00.000-07:00

the scariest thing of someone is/are the eyes.

sometimes, smiles never reach the eyes.

and then you find out that you really don't know anything at all.

thursday was really awesome! i think my thoughts are muddledly jumbled. -.- imma 3 days late

watched harry potter. didn't exceed y expectations. guess i expected something grand.

my favourites were snape's memories (omg it was sad until...) and the heaven place with dumbledore.

these two people are amazing. imagine if there are people as noble as them on earth. it'd be such a blessing.

"do not pity the dead, harry. pity the living, and, above all those who live without love."

i do agree, but i have not mastered the skill of accepting the dead.

they never fail to scare me. it's such a secret, death. no living being actually knows how it feels like. it's one of the few things science cannot overcome. that's why we need some magic (:

after the movie, went to just acia and makaned. and spammed rum and raisin yumyum.

and then sandy, yiying, jiarou and i went to esplanade omg lovelove.

admired the art works and music.

jiarou left early, then the rest of us went out of esplanade.

it was heaven on earth my gosh.

we sat by the waters near fullerton hotel and watched the water show from the opposite banks.

it was such an uplifting experience.

the night is such a wondrous place. i could have sat there forever.

i guess they felt the same way. it was so peaceful, and although it was a thursday, i don't suppose any of us felt the urgent need to get back home to get on with our lives.

the city lights, so beautiful.

we just sat and talked. and talked.

it's such a happy thing, just sitting and talking, and listening, and finally understanding.

i really wanna camp there the whole night.

that's the place which makes me feel collected and suddenly, i love singapore. hardcore.

mousee

2011-08-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

ILY SINGAPORE!

i am so proud of you (:

this is home, truly.

2011-08-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

ahahaha sorry for the lag.

here's my interpretation of dreams.

since young, i had always thought what if my consciousness is in this world, but my body is in another? everything to me makes sense here, but what if it is all a dream? in the real world, i'd be talking to imaginary people, and doing out-of-circumstances-things. it's as though everybody are my imaginary friends. everything i laugh or cry about are just figments of my complex imagination. everything i am taught in school also already exists in my mind. this way, everything can be mastered, since they are all conjured up my myself, and myself alone.

it's like being autistic, but worse. you cannot register anyone around you. who knows as i walk, i am crashing into doors and walls and muttering in some foreign language my "real" parents don't understand. it must be super frustrating for them, that their child doesn't even look them in the eye or notice anything around her.

i really look at my friends now with a different light.

like ziquan and nicholas, they think of such coolshit stuffs haha.

everybody has actually a really deep side to him.

i can foresee enlightenment soon haha.

mouse

2011-08-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

wrote (:

yes, proud to announce.

i decided that this was the best way to 'study' for tmr's test.

hopefully my judgment isn't wrong.

yep, don't let me down, most important grades of this year!

mouse

2011-08-01T06:22:00.001-07:00

i wonder if being happy makes you stop thinking?

2011-08-01T04:36:00.000-07:00

ooops, was reading ____'s blog (not sure if i'm supposed to reveal cause i'm not supposed to know about it apparently)

and like, wow, how true.

actually sometimes keeping a smile on your face isn't being hypocritical or fake

sometimes, it's just to keep peace: with yourself, and with others (was that grammatically wrong)

there was this quote i read, can't really rmb. but will try to replicate it.

It doesn't mean that if you are nice to the people you dislike, you are being hypocritical. It means that you respect him/her.

everyone deserves respect, no matter how different they are.

people tell lies, and sometimes not all lies are bad.

it isn't wrong to keep the truth to yourself if you know that it'll hurt someone else.

that's a white lie, or a half truth right?

that's what makes humans human. we do wrong to make things right.

masks are not all that bad.

it depends on the motive yeah?

someone once asked: if you see an elderly lady on the train, would you give up your seat?

i said yes, and he said he wouldn't.

because the lady's feelings might get hurt: she might not even feel that she was old.

and i realised that it's true..

and the i decided, motives are always the most important.

if i give up the seat because i feel that the old lady needs it, it is correct

but if i don't because i feel the old lady wouldn't like it, it is also correct

then one day i told my father about this, and he said that our mindsets were both shallow

yeah, yeah.

he said that we were too wrapped up over the fact that the lady was old.

in this circumstance, as long as someone needs it more than you, you are obliged to give up the seat.

yes, so therefore out of the point.

so ultimately, every single thing depends on the motive.

who cares about the mask man (:

i think nothing above made sense. the consequence of watching telly while writing. -.-

mouse

2011-08-01T03:42:00.000-07:00

like. OH.MY.GOSHNESS.GRACIOUS.MAMA. yes. that's the best way to describe my feeling now

:D :D

guess what i got man? booyeah (:

today met with the planes plus special vip honorary advisor

and guess whattttt i got? :D :D (repeated this twice -.-)

I GOT A LITTLE PRINCE PLANNER LIKE OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

AND 3 NOTEBOOKS OMGOMG. :D happiness, dreams, inspirations..

I think i'm so easy to predict -.- like hanzhang said lol. but i like that wheehee. (:

haha i think i'm turning boring with all these tumblr-like thoughts and fluffy white sheep -.-

it's been a laugh-y day. i'm affirmative that today has been one of the best days of my life!

cause xiaomin and i are gonna set up our own _________________ (secret) (:

we're gna invite people so don't 0.0 us if you get invited HAHAHAHA.

be honoured alright. there'll only be 15 members teehee. (:

i think zihighing is making my brain go boomz.

anyways, i just saw a lol-ing joke on the front page of the home (is it?) newspaper.

the m'sian football fans wrote LOOSER on the s'porean flag.

i'd be angry at the disrespect shown to our country, but seeing how they can't spell, i think the joke is on them instead.

so tralala. people who have no 肚量 are really quite.... yeah. shan't be mean here.

so like like like, tmr gna watch winnie the pooooh ohmy (:

hahaha shit stop zihighing -.-

mouse

2011-07-31T05:47:00.000-07:00

oh ya so like i forgot about this.

gratz people for centrestage! (:

y'all rocked the house down man. though you rocked softly, but that's never the point (:

can tell that y'all grew closer throughout the mad preparations for this comp.

i hope this result is what you feel you deserved.

i like this quote: success is never the destination, but the journey.

so yeah, despite whether 3rd is good enough or not, there's one thing for sure.

you all have succeeded in your wonderful journey towards (i was gna say success but it's weird)

yepp! and cause of you guys i really feel like dying now.

slept half by weekend away haha. sorry. bedtimes are never meant to be passed.

macs was super fun. i love 4G ttm!

mousee

2011-07-31T05:40:00.000-07:00

omg you know i'm so friggin screwed.

i was sitting in front of the lappie, trying to write prose

and not a single darned word came out of my darned brain in my darned head.

shit. i think i'm becoming a brainless blogger.

ooh alliteration (:

see, yes i reiterate my point of turning brainless.

further reconsidering my choice of taking lit next year -.-

yeah man people, chinatown pretty please (:

mouse

2011-07-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

since young, i have been unable to differentiate good from bad.

but these few years, i finally understood that everybody has a good side and a bad side

it doesn't mean that if you see a person's good or bad side, he/she is like that.

so in that case, 我们有资格批评别人吗?

if we see a person's bad side, we dislike that person

but if we don't see his/her bad side, we call him/her a hypocrite

so what is it that we want anyway?

it's difficult to please.

so that's why i try to see the good in everyone.

it's not being stupid or naive or whatever, but it really saves you the unhappiness yea. (:

try it, people.

mousee

2011-07-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

today was fantabulous yoz. (:

i think i finally know why it has been such a happilicious week.

1. IMMA GNA WATCH WINNIE THE POOOH.

2. secret haha.

lol -.-

anyways anyways.

tmr is centrestage woohoo!

yepp guys, you have all put in so much effort into this competition, and i really hope that y'all feel a sense of achievement after this.

even though i'm basically an outsider, but i felt v. excited for y'all haha.

think you've all learnt many many things in this short span of time.

think times of worrying really bring people together.

y'all are closer now right? it just feels so nice basking in the yummy music flowing around and listening to your laughter when someone screws up a note or sth haha.

makes people really wna be a part of you!

haha this thing has changed my life man!

i'm gna learn piano cause of you guys LOL (:

be honoured yeah ;)

and have fun tmr no matter what!

mousee

2011-07-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

the smile reminded her of how as a toddler, she used to draw rainbows across white paper, and suddenly the whole universe was just there, right before her eyes.

then she got up, tiptoed out of the room; and it wasn't until she was out of sight that she heaved her shoulders and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

hands cradling the head, the person who most often frowned slept on, pure bliss inching across her face, threatening to burst from the happiness of the thoughts in her sleep.

such a secret place it was, the land of smiles.

2011-07-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

ohmy, it feels so goooood to be young and alive man!

:D mr han's email suddenly reminded me of the 'positive energy' we had during his wedding.

it was amazing. like, just everybody focusing on one thing that wasn't about ourselves for once.

their happiness. (:

and ohmy, how loud the cheers were.

that's how the spirit should be manz! (:

being young is the time when you can scream and shout and go mad, and society will be forgiving because you remind them of their young selves. such an irony haha, but so true.

so shout people, and have loadsa fun! :)

y'know, i want this greatfab mood to last forever and ever. i haven't felt such whooopie joy in a loooong time. (:

and and almost our WHOLE class is going to support twilight's oasis!

yeah man class spirit (:

that's more important that anything in the world yeah?

on friday, it'll be another time we truly yearn something good for someone else besides ourselves.

all the best babes! y'all stun the crowd alrighto?

mousee

2011-07-26T07:29:00.000-07:00

"When each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognise the good things that happen in their lives everyday that the sun rises."

- The Alchemist

i'm still trying to contemplate on the info-overload thrown in my face by this book. it's a mystery, and yet a beauty. it's so hard to understand, but you know it's just so simple. humans are the creatures who complicate matters. but that's what makes this world so interesting. if we all based our lives on basic instincts, we wouldn't feel loss, sorrow, pain and grieve. And then we wouldn't be able to savour the immense power of happiness, because there'd be no comparisons.

"I want to be happy and..."

"Never sad," Bert interrupted.

"Well, yes. What's wrong with that?"

"I suppose you also want up without down, soft without hard, cold without hot, and good without bad?"

Buzz was caught off guard; his mind was reeling. Bert was right- this was a lot to absorb. Both bees were silent, staring into the distance.

-To bee or not to bee.

It's my favourite book of all time. all time. think this stage is where most of us are feeling like buzz, rather confused at the complexity of this crazy world. but hey, bert is right. maybe we should all go with the flow of nature, and accept that change is what things are supposed to be.

Hmm, wtheck. Bane of technology. Being online just keeps my mind full (:

yepkthanksbye.

mouse